There Is LOVE...but where is mine?

I have spent the past two weeks with a couple that I know love each other, for better or worse, for richer and poorer in sickness and in health, ‘til death do they part. It is a humbling experience really, and I am both buoyed and depressed by it all at the same time.

My friend has been with his “life partner” (a term usually used by gay couples, but still applicable to this heterosexual pair) for almost 20 years now and I have never seen a couple in such enduring love and so devoted to one another. They are not married, but have lived together for this entire time, so it is not some sort of legal bond, nor the fear of losing everything in a divorce.

Several years ago, she had cancer and underwent chemotherapy and radiation. He took care of her through thick and thin and never once complained or groaned about any of it. He carefully managed her care and followed up at every turn, whenever necessary. She survived the cancer and it was thought that she would be fine for years to come, but it was not to be. She had a series of strokes, which initially left her with severe cognitive deficits, seizures and an inability to walk. Once again, he stepped up and took care of her. He watched as she improved over a period of three years. She still has some cognitive deficits, cannot formulate complex thoughts and has a hard time completing sentences. She cannot walk terribly fast and has lost weight to the point of being frail. She still is unable to drive and would get lost anyway, as she cannot recall, at times, where it was she was going.

He cared for her until he was on the verge of bankruptcy because he could not work. In stepped the IRS and took care of that. They have taken almost half of whatever income he had to cover back taxes he owed on a business he sold. Apparently, they wanted the taxes paid as of the sale date, when he was being paid on and installment basis. Since he is over 65, he gets Social Security, well he gets half his Social Security because the IRS even took that...The BASTARDS !! Anyway, she is on Social Security as well, so I know that it is not about money, either.

Several weeks ago the love of her life developed pneumonia, or so they thought. It probably was congestive heart failure misdiagnosed as pneumonia, after all, fluid in the lungs appears to be fluid in the lungs on x-ray, regardless of how it gets there, and he has no history of heart problems. Unfortunately, it was determined about two weeks ago, that he has a severely enlarged heart and has very little blood being pumped by his swollen heart. He had had tests done that stopped his heart twice, but they got it started again. Yesterday, he underwent insertion of a pacemaker and that was only a partial success. Today they did the rest of it during open-heart surgery. He survived that and is now recovering.

I know that I will ask him why he underwent such an ordeal, but unlike the response many would expect, “I am afraid to die”, I expect he will say, “If I die, who will take care of her?” He will go on to ask me what is the point of living if she dies, and what is the point of dying, if she lives. They need to be together. Contrary to what many may believe, this is not a relationship based on dependency. It is a relationship based on the kind of enduring, unequivocal love that is seldom seen in our modern age. It is about caring so deeply that someone becomes a part of you and you a part of them.

I want to find the woman that I care for as much as these two care for one another. It is really that simple. I want to find the woman that we make each other’s lives so much better that we cannot imagine being without each other. I want a woman that inspires me to be a better man for being with her than I am alone. I will not settle and she should not either. I know she is out there, and she probably does not even know how wonderful she really is. I would like to dedicate my life to making sure, every day, that she knows just how beautiful, wonderful and worthy of love she truly is. Unfortunately, the pessimist in me thinks I will never find her.