Sam Keen said, "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
So who is the perfect woman? I suppose, it depends on the man who is searching, obviously, so I can only speak for myself, as I can only seek the woman that is perfect for me. I think the perfect woman inspires a man to be a better man, and just by virtue of the fact that they are together, he is a better man. She will make a man feel like he has hit the lottery every time he sees her come into a room; the woman he is be proud to be with and who is proud to be with him.
In my case, I want to meet the woman whose heart I can make sing with laughter and joy. Since I am just a little bit crazy and have a couple of holes in my head, I would like to find the woman that has bumps in her head that fit the holes in mine. She is my "Princess Buttercup" that understands exactly what I mean when I say, "As you wish." and understands why every argument ends with me saying, "Yes dear."
I would really like to meet a woman who appreciates maturity and judgment and has finally gotten fed up with being treated badly by the bad boys in her life. She will be the woman that knows everything there is to know about me and likes me anyway. Thus, she will be my best friend; a woman that I love and like. She is the woman with whom I can talk until the wee hours of the morning and when we both look at the clock; we wonder how it has gotten to be so late.
The love of my life is someone that we can get to know each other, share experiences and see where life takes us. We will develop a relationship and build our own history together. We will share the adventures, the joys and the disappointments. Any couple can stay together in the good times, but a couple truly in love endures the bad times with a certain pride in knowing they are getting through it together. They know they could have gotten through it alone, but are so much happier to gone through it together.
My perfect imperfection will judge a man by the content of his character, not the thickness of his wallet, nor that his flowing mane of hair, nor six-pack abs. She is the woman who shares her inner self, her wants, needs, desires, goals and aspirations, the woman that will let me earn her trust.
The woman I long for is not afraid to let herself be vulnerable, knowing I will protect her. When someone makes her cry, I will ask, "Whose ass do I need to kick?" I will hold her when she needs to be comforted, but let her be her own woman. She will know I support her unconditionally and will never judge her. She will know that she holds my heart in the palm of your hand.She is beautiful, sensual and passionate, both inside and out, a woman that is simple, direct and has a healthy look; a woman confident enough and comfortable enough in her own skin to know what she wants.
She will like to slow dance in the living room, just the two of us, with a soft love song on the stereo. She will be quick to smile, but not afraid to cry. I will inspire her to be the woman willing to try new things with a sense of adventure and excitement, and if she fails, I will be there alongside her picking up the pieces, encouraging her to try again.
This is my perfect imperfection…
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The "Bad Boy"
I have never understood the concept of the “bad boy” and why women seem to gravitate toward them. The bad boy generally treats a woman badly and, at best, seems to just ignore a woman with whom he is in a relationship. Based on what I have seen, the bad boy takes to heart the concept that a woman in analogous to a bus, if things do not work out with one, there will be another coming by soon, so not to worry. Women are disposable, expendable and fungible in the mind of the bad boy. Yet, women flock toward these men and then wonder why they get their hearts broken when they fall in love with these guys.
Of course, during the course of the relationship, the women are treated badly, and generally used for whatever they have to offer; money, sex, or a place to live. When the women gets a clue, all the guy has to do is turn on the charm and talk his way out of the problem. He plays on the desire of the woman to be with him so badly that she wants to believe his line of B.S. It is very sad in my estimation. Of course, I have never been a bad boy and could never pull it off. I have too much respect for women as a group as well as individually. That is not to say I like all women, there are many I don’t care for, but it is an individual judgment based on their actions and my personal experience with them. The bad boy seems to treat women in general with disdain.
Bad boys define women who care, love and want relationships as “high maintenance.” A woman that attempts to limit a man within a monogamous relationship is considered a ball and chain. The bad boy is always looking for the next better woman. He will search for a woman and, once finding her, will continue his search for the next better woman. Once he finds what he thinks is the next better thing, he will try to maintain the existing relationship while exploring and developing the new, potential relationship. Once he has established the new relationship, he will begin to treat the woman in his previous relationship even worse, for now he has somewhere to go when the existing relationship ends. The existing relationship, by the way, usually ends when the woman in it discovers she is being cheated on, as the bad boy gets sloppy as a result of his not really caring if he gets caught; for the time being, he has his cake and is eating it too (pardon the obvious pun). Now the woman in the new relationship usually knows that the guy is coming from an existing relationship, but she is perfectly willing to settle, using all her skill to pry him out of the prior relationship. Scary, huh? I just don’t get it.
Ladies, at the risk of being just a little self serving, have you ever considered that maybe a guy that is not “perfect” might be a little more prone to making you happy? Choose a guy that is not a “bad boy”, not model material or some sort of Adonis. I can assure you that he will be so incredibly grateful that you chose him, he would spend the rest of his life making himself worthy of your being with him. Inspiration is a wonderful thing. Inspiration has resulted in the poetry of Shakespeare and Wordsworth, the artwork of DaVinci and Dega, the romantic oratory of Romeo and Juliet and Cyrano de Bergerac.
I am often reminded of the Head Cheerleader, Melody, in Revenge of the Nerds, who exclaims after a nerd, before she realizes it’s a nerd, performs the absolute best ever oral sex on her, “GOD! I’m in love with a nerd!” The nerd says, “Jocks just think about sports. Nerds just think about sex.” Bad boys just think about themselves, while the “nice guy” thinks about his partner, always.
In keeping with my nerd analogy, I am a nice guy and pretty proud of it.
Of course, during the course of the relationship, the women are treated badly, and generally used for whatever they have to offer; money, sex, or a place to live. When the women gets a clue, all the guy has to do is turn on the charm and talk his way out of the problem. He plays on the desire of the woman to be with him so badly that she wants to believe his line of B.S. It is very sad in my estimation. Of course, I have never been a bad boy and could never pull it off. I have too much respect for women as a group as well as individually. That is not to say I like all women, there are many I don’t care for, but it is an individual judgment based on their actions and my personal experience with them. The bad boy seems to treat women in general with disdain.
Bad boys define women who care, love and want relationships as “high maintenance.” A woman that attempts to limit a man within a monogamous relationship is considered a ball and chain. The bad boy is always looking for the next better woman. He will search for a woman and, once finding her, will continue his search for the next better woman. Once he finds what he thinks is the next better thing, he will try to maintain the existing relationship while exploring and developing the new, potential relationship. Once he has established the new relationship, he will begin to treat the woman in his previous relationship even worse, for now he has somewhere to go when the existing relationship ends. The existing relationship, by the way, usually ends when the woman in it discovers she is being cheated on, as the bad boy gets sloppy as a result of his not really caring if he gets caught; for the time being, he has his cake and is eating it too (pardon the obvious pun). Now the woman in the new relationship usually knows that the guy is coming from an existing relationship, but she is perfectly willing to settle, using all her skill to pry him out of the prior relationship. Scary, huh? I just don’t get it.
Ladies, at the risk of being just a little self serving, have you ever considered that maybe a guy that is not “perfect” might be a little more prone to making you happy? Choose a guy that is not a “bad boy”, not model material or some sort of Adonis. I can assure you that he will be so incredibly grateful that you chose him, he would spend the rest of his life making himself worthy of your being with him. Inspiration is a wonderful thing. Inspiration has resulted in the poetry of Shakespeare and Wordsworth, the artwork of DaVinci and Dega, the romantic oratory of Romeo and Juliet and Cyrano de Bergerac.
I am often reminded of the Head Cheerleader, Melody, in Revenge of the Nerds, who exclaims after a nerd, before she realizes it’s a nerd, performs the absolute best ever oral sex on her, “GOD! I’m in love with a nerd!” The nerd says, “Jocks just think about sports. Nerds just think about sex.” Bad boys just think about themselves, while the “nice guy” thinks about his partner, always.
In keeping with my nerd analogy, I am a nice guy and pretty proud of it.
Loneliness
Webster defines loneliness as "being without company" and "cut off from others". It also defines lonely as "producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation." I would have to say that the first two fit being alone a lot better than being lonely, which is by far better represented by bleakness or desolation. Loneliness is not a physical situation but an emotional feeling. Although, loneliness can often inflict physical pain on us.
One can be alone without being lonely. In fact, many people require alone time. Time apart from others for whatever reason, whether it be contemplation or meditation or just a chance to reduce the noise that often goes with others being around. Others, not so much.
One can be lonely while they are in the company of others. In the case of some people, the need to be with others can be pathological. We can all think of that person we know that is clingy to a fault. They fall in love at the drop of a hat and end up being hurt and heart broken over and over until they have been hurt so often and so badly that they lose the capacity to love. See my previous blog regarding broken hearts.
So what do we do to fix out feelings of loneliness, the bleakness and desolation we feel? We try to find that person that cures the feeling. We seek out a man or woman that fixes our loneliness, even when they are not there. I would suggest that this is one of the characteristics of being in love.
When you are in love, you hopefully have a relationship with a person that makes you feel so good, you are far too happy to feel lonely. You know they are waiting for you and, in a manner of speaking, you take them everywhere in your heart. I say hopefully you have a relationship with this person because there are few things worse than being in love with someone with whom you can have no relationship. Perhaps they are in love with someone else, or married or, God forbid, just not interested. Talk about a situation that induces loneliness!!
We can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness by virtue of falling in love too quickly, falling in love with unavailable persons or being clingy and becoming so dependent on someone that, to quote a song I heard recently, we use them like a crutch. This can be self-destructive behavior and we should be wary of patterns in our lives that show us doing this over and over again.
I think we all seek that special person that cures our loneliness. That person that does not even have to be present to be with us. We hold them in our hearts and take them everywhere we go and with us with everything we do. The people that find these people in their lives are truly fortunate, for they may be alone, but are rarely lonely.Having said all of this, we must always remember that being lonely is not a sin and, in fact, is a part of being a human being. It is not a reflection on our worth as a person. We are emotional beings, we can be happy or sad, and we can also be lonely. In order to eliminate the possibility of being lonely, we would have to divest ourselves of all emotion. In essence, we would all have the emotional depth of Mr. Spock. I would argue that this is far too high a price to pay to end a temporary condition. The cure is out there for each of us.
One can be alone without being lonely. In fact, many people require alone time. Time apart from others for whatever reason, whether it be contemplation or meditation or just a chance to reduce the noise that often goes with others being around. Others, not so much.
One can be lonely while they are in the company of others. In the case of some people, the need to be with others can be pathological. We can all think of that person we know that is clingy to a fault. They fall in love at the drop of a hat and end up being hurt and heart broken over and over until they have been hurt so often and so badly that they lose the capacity to love. See my previous blog regarding broken hearts.
So what do we do to fix out feelings of loneliness, the bleakness and desolation we feel? We try to find that person that cures the feeling. We seek out a man or woman that fixes our loneliness, even when they are not there. I would suggest that this is one of the characteristics of being in love.
When you are in love, you hopefully have a relationship with a person that makes you feel so good, you are far too happy to feel lonely. You know they are waiting for you and, in a manner of speaking, you take them everywhere in your heart. I say hopefully you have a relationship with this person because there are few things worse than being in love with someone with whom you can have no relationship. Perhaps they are in love with someone else, or married or, God forbid, just not interested. Talk about a situation that induces loneliness!!
We can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness by virtue of falling in love too quickly, falling in love with unavailable persons or being clingy and becoming so dependent on someone that, to quote a song I heard recently, we use them like a crutch. This can be self-destructive behavior and we should be wary of patterns in our lives that show us doing this over and over again.
I think we all seek that special person that cures our loneliness. That person that does not even have to be present to be with us. We hold them in our hearts and take them everywhere we go and with us with everything we do. The people that find these people in their lives are truly fortunate, for they may be alone, but are rarely lonely.Having said all of this, we must always remember that being lonely is not a sin and, in fact, is a part of being a human being. It is not a reflection on our worth as a person. We are emotional beings, we can be happy or sad, and we can also be lonely. In order to eliminate the possibility of being lonely, we would have to divest ourselves of all emotion. In essence, we would all have the emotional depth of Mr. Spock. I would argue that this is far too high a price to pay to end a temporary condition. The cure is out there for each of us.
The "Broken Heart"
Ah, what is a “broken heart?” We define the psychic angst associated with the break-up of a love relationship as a “broken heart.” When we end a romantic relationship, for whatever reason, we feel all the resultant emotional trauma. We feel anger, we feel loneliness, we feel betrayal and we feel hurt and anguish. We have developed a term for all of this, the “broken heart.”
The analogy of this psychic trauma to damage to the heart is actually quite fitting. If we consider, for the sake of argument, the heart as the organ related to love (often the organ more accurately associated in this regard is much lower on the anatomy), then a broken heart is analogous to a heart attack. When we have a heart attack, one of our coronary arteries becomes blocked; as a result, blood flow is cut off to that area of the heart and the result is dead tissue. In some cases, the damage is too great and the heart can no longer function properly, this results in our death.
Our body, in order to heal the wound to the heart, begins to form scar tissue. Scar tissue draws the ends of the healthy tissue together and fills in the gap left by damaged tissue, but scar tissue has two differences from normal healthy tissue, it is much stronger that healthy tissue, but it is also less sensitive and feels less. You can see where this is going, can’t you?
When we get a “broken heart”, the body does the same thing, we form psychic scar tissue, which is stronger, but it is also less sensitive and feels less. Thus, each time we suffer a broken heart, we are stronger for the experience (“What does not kill us makes us stronger.”), but we also are just a little less sensitive. Every time we suffer a broken heart, we become more cautious, we are less likely to fall in love so quickly. We protect ourselves from future heartache, making more certain the next time we fall in love, we are even surer of its validity. Of course, a problem develops when we are hurt so many times and so much scar tissue has been formed that we can no longer feel. We essentially can no longer love. While this situation would seem to be relatively rare, it is most certainly a terrible situation and creates a way of life that lacks love. Sometimes, the damage can be so bad it actually kills us or, in reality, causes us to kill ourselves.
So, what do we do to cure a broken heart? We fall in love again. The contradiction boggles the mind. We seek another person that makes us feel less lonely, less hurt, less angry and less betrayed. Interestingly, we take the same risks we took with that person that broke our heart. If we do it too son, we risk falling in love on the rebound; a false love that almost certainly results in another broken heart. The rebound relationship feels like love, acts like love and, for all intents and purposes, is love, but it is not the real love that lasts. It is more like a crush; it is the love that happens when we are feeling all those terrible things that result from a prior relationship, gone bad. It is us settling for less because it makes us feel better, at least temporarily. The rebound relationship fills in all the holes we feel in our very soul.
So what is the answer to curing a broken heart? Don’t be afraid to love again, but don’t be too hasty. Go through the grieving process associated with the failure of your love relationship. Guard against falling in love out of desperation at being suddenly alone and having no partner, and whatever you do, don’t go back to that individual that broke your heart in the first place. You are going back out of habit, and out of a desire to not be alone. We have all been there, done that. It is just part of bring human.
The analogy of this psychic trauma to damage to the heart is actually quite fitting. If we consider, for the sake of argument, the heart as the organ related to love (often the organ more accurately associated in this regard is much lower on the anatomy), then a broken heart is analogous to a heart attack. When we have a heart attack, one of our coronary arteries becomes blocked; as a result, blood flow is cut off to that area of the heart and the result is dead tissue. In some cases, the damage is too great and the heart can no longer function properly, this results in our death.
Our body, in order to heal the wound to the heart, begins to form scar tissue. Scar tissue draws the ends of the healthy tissue together and fills in the gap left by damaged tissue, but scar tissue has two differences from normal healthy tissue, it is much stronger that healthy tissue, but it is also less sensitive and feels less. You can see where this is going, can’t you?
When we get a “broken heart”, the body does the same thing, we form psychic scar tissue, which is stronger, but it is also less sensitive and feels less. Thus, each time we suffer a broken heart, we are stronger for the experience (“What does not kill us makes us stronger.”), but we also are just a little less sensitive. Every time we suffer a broken heart, we become more cautious, we are less likely to fall in love so quickly. We protect ourselves from future heartache, making more certain the next time we fall in love, we are even surer of its validity. Of course, a problem develops when we are hurt so many times and so much scar tissue has been formed that we can no longer feel. We essentially can no longer love. While this situation would seem to be relatively rare, it is most certainly a terrible situation and creates a way of life that lacks love. Sometimes, the damage can be so bad it actually kills us or, in reality, causes us to kill ourselves.
So, what do we do to cure a broken heart? We fall in love again. The contradiction boggles the mind. We seek another person that makes us feel less lonely, less hurt, less angry and less betrayed. Interestingly, we take the same risks we took with that person that broke our heart. If we do it too son, we risk falling in love on the rebound; a false love that almost certainly results in another broken heart. The rebound relationship feels like love, acts like love and, for all intents and purposes, is love, but it is not the real love that lasts. It is more like a crush; it is the love that happens when we are feeling all those terrible things that result from a prior relationship, gone bad. It is us settling for less because it makes us feel better, at least temporarily. The rebound relationship fills in all the holes we feel in our very soul.
So what is the answer to curing a broken heart? Don’t be afraid to love again, but don’t be too hasty. Go through the grieving process associated with the failure of your love relationship. Guard against falling in love out of desperation at being suddenly alone and having no partner, and whatever you do, don’t go back to that individual that broke your heart in the first place. You are going back out of habit, and out of a desire to not be alone. We have all been there, done that. It is just part of bring human.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
There Is LOVE...but where is mine?
I have spent the past two weeks with a couple that I know love each other, for better or worse, for richer and poorer in sickness and in health, ‘til death do they part. It is a humbling experience really, and I am both buoyed and depressed by it all at the same time.
My friend has been with his “life partner” (a term usually used by gay couples, but still applicable to this heterosexual pair) for almost 20 years now and I have never seen a couple in such enduring love and so devoted to one another. They are not married, but have lived together for this entire time, so it is not some sort of legal bond, nor the fear of losing everything in a divorce.
Several years ago, she had cancer and underwent chemotherapy and radiation. He took care of her through thick and thin and never once complained or groaned about any of it. He carefully managed her care and followed up at every turn, whenever necessary. She survived the cancer and it was thought that she would be fine for years to come, but it was not to be. She had a series of strokes, which initially left her with severe cognitive deficits, seizures and an inability to walk. Once again, he stepped up and took care of her. He watched as she improved over a period of three years. She still has some cognitive deficits, cannot formulate complex thoughts and has a hard time completing sentences. She cannot walk terribly fast and has lost weight to the point of being frail. She still is unable to drive and would get lost anyway, as she cannot recall, at times, where it was she was going.
He cared for her until he was on the verge of bankruptcy because he could not work. In stepped the IRS and took care of that. They have taken almost half of whatever income he had to cover back taxes he owed on a business he sold. Apparently, they wanted the taxes paid as of the sale date, when he was being paid on and installment basis. Since he is over 65, he gets Social Security, well he gets half his Social Security because the IRS even took that...The BASTARDS !! Anyway, she is on Social Security as well, so I know that it is not about money, either.
Several weeks ago the love of her life developed pneumonia, or so they thought. It probably was congestive heart failure misdiagnosed as pneumonia, after all, fluid in the lungs appears to be fluid in the lungs on x-ray, regardless of how it gets there, and he has no history of heart problems. Unfortunately, it was determined about two weeks ago, that he has a severely enlarged heart and has very little blood being pumped by his swollen heart. He had had tests done that stopped his heart twice, but they got it started again. Yesterday, he underwent insertion of a pacemaker and that was only a partial success. Today they did the rest of it during open-heart surgery. He survived that and is now recovering.
I know that I will ask him why he underwent such an ordeal, but unlike the response many would expect, “I am afraid to die”, I expect he will say, “If I die, who will take care of her?” He will go on to ask me what is the point of living if she dies, and what is the point of dying, if she lives. They need to be together. Contrary to what many may believe, this is not a relationship based on dependency. It is a relationship based on the kind of enduring, unequivocal love that is seldom seen in our modern age. It is about caring so deeply that someone becomes a part of you and you a part of them.
I want to find the woman that I care for as much as these two care for one another. It is really that simple. I want to find the woman that we make each other’s lives so much better that we cannot imagine being without each other. I want a woman that inspires me to be a better man for being with her than I am alone. I will not settle and she should not either. I know she is out there, and she probably does not even know how wonderful she really is. I would like to dedicate my life to making sure, every day, that she knows just how beautiful, wonderful and worthy of love she truly is. Unfortunately, the pessimist in me thinks I will never find her.
My friend has been with his “life partner” (a term usually used by gay couples, but still applicable to this heterosexual pair) for almost 20 years now and I have never seen a couple in such enduring love and so devoted to one another. They are not married, but have lived together for this entire time, so it is not some sort of legal bond, nor the fear of losing everything in a divorce.
Several years ago, she had cancer and underwent chemotherapy and radiation. He took care of her through thick and thin and never once complained or groaned about any of it. He carefully managed her care and followed up at every turn, whenever necessary. She survived the cancer and it was thought that she would be fine for years to come, but it was not to be. She had a series of strokes, which initially left her with severe cognitive deficits, seizures and an inability to walk. Once again, he stepped up and took care of her. He watched as she improved over a period of three years. She still has some cognitive deficits, cannot formulate complex thoughts and has a hard time completing sentences. She cannot walk terribly fast and has lost weight to the point of being frail. She still is unable to drive and would get lost anyway, as she cannot recall, at times, where it was she was going.
He cared for her until he was on the verge of bankruptcy because he could not work. In stepped the IRS and took care of that. They have taken almost half of whatever income he had to cover back taxes he owed on a business he sold. Apparently, they wanted the taxes paid as of the sale date, when he was being paid on and installment basis. Since he is over 65, he gets Social Security, well he gets half his Social Security because the IRS even took that...The BASTARDS !! Anyway, she is on Social Security as well, so I know that it is not about money, either.
Several weeks ago the love of her life developed pneumonia, or so they thought. It probably was congestive heart failure misdiagnosed as pneumonia, after all, fluid in the lungs appears to be fluid in the lungs on x-ray, regardless of how it gets there, and he has no history of heart problems. Unfortunately, it was determined about two weeks ago, that he has a severely enlarged heart and has very little blood being pumped by his swollen heart. He had had tests done that stopped his heart twice, but they got it started again. Yesterday, he underwent insertion of a pacemaker and that was only a partial success. Today they did the rest of it during open-heart surgery. He survived that and is now recovering.
I know that I will ask him why he underwent such an ordeal, but unlike the response many would expect, “I am afraid to die”, I expect he will say, “If I die, who will take care of her?” He will go on to ask me what is the point of living if she dies, and what is the point of dying, if she lives. They need to be together. Contrary to what many may believe, this is not a relationship based on dependency. It is a relationship based on the kind of enduring, unequivocal love that is seldom seen in our modern age. It is about caring so deeply that someone becomes a part of you and you a part of them.
I want to find the woman that I care for as much as these two care for one another. It is really that simple. I want to find the woman that we make each other’s lives so much better that we cannot imagine being without each other. I want a woman that inspires me to be a better man for being with her than I am alone. I will not settle and she should not either. I know she is out there, and she probably does not even know how wonderful she really is. I would like to dedicate my life to making sure, every day, that she knows just how beautiful, wonderful and worthy of love she truly is. Unfortunately, the pessimist in me thinks I will never find her.
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