Timing is Everything, Especially in Love!

If life has taught me anything it is that relationships are tough.  They are work.  I used to believe that a good relationship should be effortless.  I am ashamed at being so nieve.   Relationships are hard, some harder than others.

I used to think that when you found the right person, everything would fall into place and that love would result in an instant ability to write poetry and love songs.  Inspiration would reign supreme.  As one reches the end of the fourth quarter of the football game of life, it is really sad to be disabused of that silly notion.  I suspect that my romantic notions lead me down the road to disappointment and heartbreak more often than not.   It is sad.

Is there a moment in a relationship that you suddenly figure out you are in love?  Conversely, is there a moment you figure out it is just not going to work; or is it a slow process that drones on until it becomes a self-evident truth?  My problem has been that I assumed (yes, I have seen it diagrammed, thank you) that there is a moment, a flash of brilliant recognition, the proverbial light bulb going on, in which you figure out these things.

My experience in life, thus far, has taught me that you figure out what will not work a whole lot quicker than whether you are in love. I have been in love before and because I was so busy trying to be certain, I did not tell the one I loved.  As a result, I lost the chance to explore whether or not it was love and whether it was mutual.  I wanted to be certain and there is no such thig as certainty in matters of the heart.  Love requires risk.  It requires a leap of faith, but most of all, it requires a willingness to open up your heart to the risk of being broken, often, yet again.  Take a look at my previous post on the comparison of broken hearts and heart attacks, it explains a lot on this issue, I think.

Sometimes, your heart can actually be too open.  That sounds cynical, but take the example of the break up of a relationship.  A man or women can be so raw from that bad experience that the first person that pays attention to them can seem to be The One.  We even have a name for it, it is that common; we call it the "rebound relationship."  I have had mine and I have been the rebound guy a couple of times.  It can be painful for both parties, but, while it should be considered carefully, avoidance of the rebound relationship should not be so feared that it emotionally immobilizes us.

In that post break up period, we need to be careful and maybe a little cautious, but not scared stiff.  It is all part of the healing process and sometimes we all need an emotional Band Aid for our broken heart, but remember you are dealing with another person's emotions and people should not be discarded like used Band Aids.  People need to have the opportunity to give informed consent.  Sure you take the risk that they say, "Thanks, but no thanks."  However, you and they would figure it out later on down the road anyway.  Then there is more emotional investment and more potential pain and anguish, and a lot more hurt feelings.

So my advice...Don't be afraid to fall in love again, and when you do, or even if you only think you might be, tell them.  There is nothing wrong with telling someone, "I think I may be falling in love with you."  Then you can discuss it.  If it is too much too soon, they'll tell you, or they should tell you, and then you can decide what to do.  I will tell you though, when someone opens themself up enough to tell you they love you, understand that it is not the time to run away.  It is the time to understand the greatness of the gift they offer and consider carefully.  You have someone offering you their heart.  It is not so much a responsibility as it is a gift.  If you accept it, good for you!  If you just don't feel that way, that's fine, just don't throw that gift down to the ground and step on it.  Take a chance and carefully consider whether, knowing how they feel, you might come to love them once you know how they feel about you; not out of pity, gratitude, reciprocity or obligation, but out of the sense that you are free to love them, knowing already that they love you.

To all you poet and songwriter wannabe's (my apologies to the legitimate poets adn songwriters among my readers) who are inspired to tell your Romeo or Juliet how you feel, remember; better poets like Shakesspeare have written sonnets to love.  Songriters from Frank Sinatra to The Beatles to the Goo Dolls, have written love songs the likes of which make hearts beat faster and sighs emanate from the lips of lovers.  Read them to the object of your affection, I assure you that someone else's words, spoken from your lips, or even just written in your handwriting will be just as acceptable as anything you write that doesn' start out "Roses are red..."

To all of you...Love, Life and Happiness, and all the best to you, always!