If life has taught me anything it is that relationships are tough. They are work. I used to believe that a good relationship should be effortless. I am ashamed at being so nieve. Relationships are hard, some harder than others.
I used to think that when you found the right person, everything would fall into place and that love would result in an instant ability to write poetry and love songs. Inspiration would reign supreme. As one reches the end of the fourth quarter of the football game of life, it is really sad to be disabused of that silly notion. I suspect that my romantic notions lead me down the road to disappointment and heartbreak more often than not. It is sad.
Is there a moment in a relationship that you suddenly figure out you are in love? Conversely, is there a moment you figure out it is just not going to work; or is it a slow process that drones on until it becomes a self-evident truth? My problem has been that I assumed (yes, I have seen it diagrammed, thank you) that there is a moment, a flash of brilliant recognition, the proverbial light bulb going on, in which you figure out these things.
My experience in life, thus far, has taught me that you figure out what will not work a whole lot quicker than whether you are in love. I have been in love before and because I was so busy trying to be certain, I did not tell the one I loved. As a result, I lost the chance to explore whether or not it was love and whether it was mutual. I wanted to be certain and there is no such thig as certainty in matters of the heart. Love requires risk. It requires a leap of faith, but most of all, it requires a willingness to open up your heart to the risk of being broken, often, yet again. Take a look at my previous post on the comparison of broken hearts and heart attacks, it explains a lot on this issue, I think.
Sometimes, your heart can actually be too open. That sounds cynical, but take the example of the break up of a relationship. A man or women can be so raw from that bad experience that the first person that pays attention to them can seem to be The One. We even have a name for it, it is that common; we call it the "rebound relationship." I have had mine and I have been the rebound guy a couple of times. It can be painful for both parties, but, while it should be considered carefully, avoidance of the rebound relationship should not be so feared that it emotionally immobilizes us.
In that post break up period, we need to be careful and maybe a little cautious, but not scared stiff. It is all part of the healing process and sometimes we all need an emotional Band Aid for our broken heart, but remember you are dealing with another person's emotions and people should not be discarded like used Band Aids. People need to have the opportunity to give informed consent. Sure you take the risk that they say, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, you and they would figure it out later on down the road anyway. Then there is more emotional investment and more potential pain and anguish, and a lot more hurt feelings.
So my advice...Don't be afraid to fall in love again, and when you do, or even if you only think you might be, tell them. There is nothing wrong with telling someone, "I think I may be falling in love with you." Then you can discuss it. If it is too much too soon, they'll tell you, or they should tell you, and then you can decide what to do. I will tell you though, when someone opens themself up enough to tell you they love you, understand that it is not the time to run away. It is the time to understand the greatness of the gift they offer and consider carefully. You have someone offering you their heart. It is not so much a responsibility as it is a gift. If you accept it, good for you! If you just don't feel that way, that's fine, just don't throw that gift down to the ground and step on it. Take a chance and carefully consider whether, knowing how they feel, you might come to love them once you know how they feel about you; not out of pity, gratitude, reciprocity or obligation, but out of the sense that you are free to love them, knowing already that they love you.
To all you poet and songwriter wannabe's (my apologies to the legitimate poets adn songwriters among my readers) who are inspired to tell your Romeo or Juliet how you feel, remember; better poets like Shakesspeare have written sonnets to love. Songriters from Frank Sinatra to The Beatles to the Goo Dolls, have written love songs the likes of which make hearts beat faster and sighs emanate from the lips of lovers. Read them to the object of your affection, I assure you that someone else's words, spoken from your lips, or even just written in your handwriting will be just as acceptable as anything you write that doesn' start out "Roses are red..."
To all of you...Love, Life and Happiness, and all the best to you, always!
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
COWARDICE AND BREAKING UP BY DISAPPEARING....
Writing comes from inspiration and I am coming to believe that inspiration
comes only from pain, possibly also suffering, anguish, fear and occasionally
loathing. Until recently, I have not had any of those feelings and, thus,
have not been moved to write. There has been no inspiration. Ah, but that
all changed not so long ago.
Several months ago, I met a younger woman through, of all places, the Internet (who'da thunk?). I will not go into the details of the site or anything. Suffice it to say, I was seeking a woman that had holes in her head that fit the bumps in mine. In this case, at least initially, they absolutely did, but as time passed, things began to change, and not for the better.
I noticed that we would get together and she would ask questions about why I chose this restaurant or this hotel or whatever. What became clear is that she was asking because my choices were not up to her expectations and/or standards. In plain English, they were not expensive enough for her tastes. The cynic in me now recognizes that she wanted only the best possible "stuff" whenever someone else was paying for it. Quite frankly, near the end, and I did not see the end coming, I was going broke paying for her Champagne tastes. I suspect she recognized this and decided that since I was not Daddy Warbucks that I was no longer suitable.
In my defense, I am not a cheapskate, but a relationship has to be more than expensive dinners, all the time and meetings in expensive hotels, all the time. We spent one hour at her condo, once, and no time at my house ever, over a period of about 5 months. This is just not normal. Spending several hours in a hotel, screwing like bunny rabbits was fine, but coming to my house was "out of her comfort zone." I bought cute little gifts, not expensive, but, in my opinion cute and romantic as reminders of the time we spent together. Not that I would ever expect their return, but she made sure she got a much anticipated gift that I had told her I had bought her before she disappeared. In fact she got it the last time we were together. In my world, we have a name for women that do this...LOL
When she decided to jettison me, and I use the term jettison deliberately, she did so by simply and totally cutting off contact with me. There was no conversation, no explanation, not a word. Suddenly, I was cut-off. My calls went unanswered, my texts went unanswered and after that there was not another word spoken or written between us. Well, I lie, there was one text message exchanged. I was becoming worried at the fact that I had not heard from her after about three days, which, up to that point, was unusual. In a text message I made her aware of my concern and it was pretty clear I was going to show up on her doorstep just to make sure she was alive, not hospitalized, etc. She responded with a text that she was having "major issues" with her daughter and this is the reason she went silent. Of course I now know this to have been a lie just to make sure that I would not show up and she would not have to speak with me. I can be a little thick sometimes, but I got this message loud and clear. I have not heard from her, nor attempted to contact her again.
While it sounds like I am not "over" her that is really not the case. I can take rejection pretty well. Like most people, I have been doing it all my life. What I do not understand, and what really bugs me, is how a person can treat another person in such an abominable fashion. Just disappearing is just, well, for lack of a better word, rude. It is also, in my-not-so-humble opinion, cruel, heartless and mean-spirited. I can deal with the breakup of a relationship and have in the past. While I appreciate an explanation, accurate, inaccurate, even a lie, it is not necessary, but some sort of goodbye, even a dismissal as simple as "it's not working out for me," is fine.
Just falling off the face of the Earth is, well, cowardly, and I find cowardice one of the most vile character traits in a person. Fear is a reaction, and an understandable one in many cases, but cowardice is a conscious decision to act as a, well, coward. This, in my world view is completely unacceptable. This is probably the best reason why I am really over her, because I could never be with a coward. I do look back on my life and think about bad things I have done and wonder if this might be some kind of Karmic payback. I am not perfect and although it is probably not huge, I am sure I have a Karma Debt (as I call it) to pay back.
The breakup of any relationship is difficult. I have been divorced, I know. It can be painful and it is emotional, but as human beings, we owe it to our partners, even our temporary partners, at absolute minimum, a notice that "it is over." I am not talking about a full-on explanation, nor a discussion, nor, in particular, an argument. Do it on the phone even, then if the unwanted argument occurs, you can hang up. At least your ex-partner knows it's over. If you fear you are going to be the subject of stalking, I am not sure it is going to make any difference whether you give notice or not. I would have to say that if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, then the notice requirement is waived, and even then, the notice likely comes in the form of the police knocking on the door with the Restraining Order. In an older time it was Daddy or big brother with a shotgun, sometimes far more effective, actually, and it did not require multiple Court appearances.
It can be beneficial to tell someone why you are dumping them, but it is not required. If anything, consider that the person might engage in self-improvement and the next person they meet will be better off for your experience. You are paying it forward to the next person, and there will be a next person, but if you just disappear, there can be no improvement, self-assessment, nor will there be closure. If your goal is to deny your former partner any or all of these, it just makes you an asshole or a bitch…oh well….
Several months ago, I met a younger woman through, of all places, the Internet (who'da thunk?). I will not go into the details of the site or anything. Suffice it to say, I was seeking a woman that had holes in her head that fit the bumps in mine. In this case, at least initially, they absolutely did, but as time passed, things began to change, and not for the better.
I noticed that we would get together and she would ask questions about why I chose this restaurant or this hotel or whatever. What became clear is that she was asking because my choices were not up to her expectations and/or standards. In plain English, they were not expensive enough for her tastes. The cynic in me now recognizes that she wanted only the best possible "stuff" whenever someone else was paying for it. Quite frankly, near the end, and I did not see the end coming, I was going broke paying for her Champagne tastes. I suspect she recognized this and decided that since I was not Daddy Warbucks that I was no longer suitable.
In my defense, I am not a cheapskate, but a relationship has to be more than expensive dinners, all the time and meetings in expensive hotels, all the time. We spent one hour at her condo, once, and no time at my house ever, over a period of about 5 months. This is just not normal. Spending several hours in a hotel, screwing like bunny rabbits was fine, but coming to my house was "out of her comfort zone." I bought cute little gifts, not expensive, but, in my opinion cute and romantic as reminders of the time we spent together. Not that I would ever expect their return, but she made sure she got a much anticipated gift that I had told her I had bought her before she disappeared. In fact she got it the last time we were together. In my world, we have a name for women that do this...LOL
When she decided to jettison me, and I use the term jettison deliberately, she did so by simply and totally cutting off contact with me. There was no conversation, no explanation, not a word. Suddenly, I was cut-off. My calls went unanswered, my texts went unanswered and after that there was not another word spoken or written between us. Well, I lie, there was one text message exchanged. I was becoming worried at the fact that I had not heard from her after about three days, which, up to that point, was unusual. In a text message I made her aware of my concern and it was pretty clear I was going to show up on her doorstep just to make sure she was alive, not hospitalized, etc. She responded with a text that she was having "major issues" with her daughter and this is the reason she went silent. Of course I now know this to have been a lie just to make sure that I would not show up and she would not have to speak with me. I can be a little thick sometimes, but I got this message loud and clear. I have not heard from her, nor attempted to contact her again.
While it sounds like I am not "over" her that is really not the case. I can take rejection pretty well. Like most people, I have been doing it all my life. What I do not understand, and what really bugs me, is how a person can treat another person in such an abominable fashion. Just disappearing is just, well, for lack of a better word, rude. It is also, in my-not-so-humble opinion, cruel, heartless and mean-spirited. I can deal with the breakup of a relationship and have in the past. While I appreciate an explanation, accurate, inaccurate, even a lie, it is not necessary, but some sort of goodbye, even a dismissal as simple as "it's not working out for me," is fine.
Just falling off the face of the Earth is, well, cowardly, and I find cowardice one of the most vile character traits in a person. Fear is a reaction, and an understandable one in many cases, but cowardice is a conscious decision to act as a, well, coward. This, in my world view is completely unacceptable. This is probably the best reason why I am really over her, because I could never be with a coward. I do look back on my life and think about bad things I have done and wonder if this might be some kind of Karmic payback. I am not perfect and although it is probably not huge, I am sure I have a Karma Debt (as I call it) to pay back.
The breakup of any relationship is difficult. I have been divorced, I know. It can be painful and it is emotional, but as human beings, we owe it to our partners, even our temporary partners, at absolute minimum, a notice that "it is over." I am not talking about a full-on explanation, nor a discussion, nor, in particular, an argument. Do it on the phone even, then if the unwanted argument occurs, you can hang up. At least your ex-partner knows it's over. If you fear you are going to be the subject of stalking, I am not sure it is going to make any difference whether you give notice or not. I would have to say that if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, then the notice requirement is waived, and even then, the notice likely comes in the form of the police knocking on the door with the Restraining Order. In an older time it was Daddy or big brother with a shotgun, sometimes far more effective, actually, and it did not require multiple Court appearances.
It can be beneficial to tell someone why you are dumping them, but it is not required. If anything, consider that the person might engage in self-improvement and the next person they meet will be better off for your experience. You are paying it forward to the next person, and there will be a next person, but if you just disappear, there can be no improvement, self-assessment, nor will there be closure. If your goal is to deny your former partner any or all of these, it just makes you an asshole or a bitch…oh well….
I'M BAAAACK !!!
My Dear Followers...All 6 or 7 of you?
I have reappeared onto the blogosphere! I am back on the radar, which begs the question, why was I gone, absent and otherwise not here? Well, in no order of importance, I was a bit depressed by the lack of readership. It is hard to keep shouting, or in this case, speaking softly, and not be heard. Eventually you quit. I plead guilty, I quit, but I hope to turn it into a hiatus, a temporary absence.
Another reason is that I was in a relationship and put forth my efforts to make that relationship work. I can now tell you that I was apparently not successful in making it work because it ended. There was some bitterness on both sides and, since she will not be making a guest appearance here, you are probably going to get only my side of things. Oh well, she can write her own blog....LOL
Another reason is that I started another blog. It is a tumblr blog and is, to be honest, pornographic pictures. These are "unique" interests I have, and are of a sensual, erotic sexual nature. I shall not post the URL here, but if you ask, I will happily share it. Allow me to state that this blog is almost exclusively pornographic pictures and some of the pictures push the edges of the envelope of taste, assuming that there is such a thing as tasteful porn (more comments on that later). Allow me to disclaim.... There are things I find very interesting, almost in an academic fashion, but I would never consider doing them, ever. By way of an example, when I was young, in the military and in Texas, I went on the mandatory trip to Tijuana, where I got liquored up and, with my buddies, went to one of the rights of passage one goes through in that setting, going to the show in which a girl has sex with a donkey on stage.
In the context of my youth, it was cool, icky, but cool. In the bright light of age and maturity, it was disgusting, cruel and awful. I would not have then, nor now, been involved with something like this, but I did watch and at the time it was "interesting." How many of us did things in our youth that we look back upon and say to ourselves, "What was I thinking?" This is one of my moments.
I have "interests" mostly as regards Dominance and submission, that I have explored and continue to explore, in the context of a relationship. When appropriate, I may share aspects of the adventure and exploration of that interest.
In the coming months, I plan to share with you my version of the realities of being middle-aged and single, once again. I am actually on the downhill side to being 60 and finding myself "dating" is, to say the least, and unexpected situation. I am pretty sure it is going to be interesting....LOL
So, I am back to being the frustrated writer I am and seeing if I can get my writing "fix" once again, here. Sit down, read carefully, and hang on...I suspect you may be in for a helluva ride....
I have reappeared onto the blogosphere! I am back on the radar, which begs the question, why was I gone, absent and otherwise not here? Well, in no order of importance, I was a bit depressed by the lack of readership. It is hard to keep shouting, or in this case, speaking softly, and not be heard. Eventually you quit. I plead guilty, I quit, but I hope to turn it into a hiatus, a temporary absence.
Another reason is that I was in a relationship and put forth my efforts to make that relationship work. I can now tell you that I was apparently not successful in making it work because it ended. There was some bitterness on both sides and, since she will not be making a guest appearance here, you are probably going to get only my side of things. Oh well, she can write her own blog....LOL
Another reason is that I started another blog. It is a tumblr blog and is, to be honest, pornographic pictures. These are "unique" interests I have, and are of a sensual, erotic sexual nature. I shall not post the URL here, but if you ask, I will happily share it. Allow me to state that this blog is almost exclusively pornographic pictures and some of the pictures push the edges of the envelope of taste, assuming that there is such a thing as tasteful porn (more comments on that later). Allow me to disclaim.... There are things I find very interesting, almost in an academic fashion, but I would never consider doing them, ever. By way of an example, when I was young, in the military and in Texas, I went on the mandatory trip to Tijuana, where I got liquored up and, with my buddies, went to one of the rights of passage one goes through in that setting, going to the show in which a girl has sex with a donkey on stage.
In the context of my youth, it was cool, icky, but cool. In the bright light of age and maturity, it was disgusting, cruel and awful. I would not have then, nor now, been involved with something like this, but I did watch and at the time it was "interesting." How many of us did things in our youth that we look back upon and say to ourselves, "What was I thinking?" This is one of my moments.
I have "interests" mostly as regards Dominance and submission, that I have explored and continue to explore, in the context of a relationship. When appropriate, I may share aspects of the adventure and exploration of that interest.
In the coming months, I plan to share with you my version of the realities of being middle-aged and single, once again. I am actually on the downhill side to being 60 and finding myself "dating" is, to say the least, and unexpected situation. I am pretty sure it is going to be interesting....LOL
So, I am back to being the frustrated writer I am and seeing if I can get my writing "fix" once again, here. Sit down, read carefully, and hang on...I suspect you may be in for a helluva ride....
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