I have a friend that firmly believes that his history with a woman begins the day they meet. He is married, has a few children, and is a very smart guy. He does, however, believe that his previous relationship history is never to be a topic of conversation with or in front of his wife of now 20 (?) years. In his way of thinking, there is somehow a magical rebirth the day you meet each potential partner. I happen to disagree and since this is my blog, I shall write and not allow him to defend himself. Get your own blog, buddy...LOL
In our society it is considered socially unacceptable to share with new potential partners the foibles of previous experiences with past partners or potential partners. You know, talking about your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend on a date. I have never understood how someone is supposed to spend a great deal of time, basically as part of a couple, and then somehow be expected to erase that experience and never talk about it. I don't have that expectation, but I am told I am unique.
In peoples' histories there was first an "I and me" period. This turned into an "us and we" period, and when that ended, they became "I and me" again. If someone spent a couple of decades as "us and we", exactly how do you expect them to tell you about themselves without accepting that there was someone else that helped shape them into who they are now, albeit an ex. That's right, there was someone before you, and they helped, over a period of many years, mold your date into the person who stands, sits or kneels in front of you. Get over it, and listen, you may learn something.
Ladies and gentlemen, there is a limit on this discussion. When a date starts beating you over the head with their ex, there is a problem. I have had relationships in which it was made clear to me that I did not live up to the standards set by the previous partner. I wasn't available enough, rich enough, tall enough, dressed well enough, etc. Oh, and ladies, if you tell a man he is not endowed as well, you might want to flee immediately, for this is unacceptable.
I once went out on a date, which I determined not quick enough, that I should not have gone out on. I had too recently broken up with a woman with whom I was still in love, yes, she dumped me (I know, you are aghast!). My date sat across from me as I talked about nothing but my ex. I give her credit for listening to me as long as she did. At some point, even I figured it out and I apologized to her. I acknowledged that I was not ready to be dating and was truly sorry I had put her through it. She was delightfully understanding and I still think of her as a charming and tolerant woman. However, I have not spoken to her since, and likely never will. I occasionally wonder what might have happened is my timing had been better.
Telling someone about an ex, in terms of yourself, to an extent is fine, but when you start comparing your new potential partner to them, that may cross a line. I say may, because if all you do is say how bad your ex is compared to your new man or woman, that can be okay, for a while, but even then, it can become a droning and make someone think "how long before they start talking about me this way?" Contempt, in this case, can breed caution.
Gentleman, take note, life did not start the day you started dating her, she has a very important history and it included someone else. By the way, if you are over the age of about 25, so does yours. A man can listen carefully to a woman and learn what to do and what not to do. She dumped your predecessor and there was a reason for that. Learn from someone else's mistakes, treat the stories of the past as a learning experience and use carefully your tales of an ex as teaching moments to say, do this or don't do this. Trust me, our brains are taking notes...at least they should be.
Friday, June 10, 2016
NOW THIS IS HATE NO ONE SHOULD UNDERSTAND !!!
Recently, our local media has been full of the reports of a murder that was particularly heinous, atrocious and cruel. These three words are used in the law to justify sentencing a person to the death penalty, but they are absolutely accurate in describing this case. Let me note at the outset that I am not a proponent of the death penalty. My reasons are simple; I cannot abide by absolute punishments being inflicted by imperfect systems. Far too many men have been released from death rows in this country, not based on technicalities of the law, but on the grounds that they did not commit the crime for which they were sentenced. However, that is another post.
In the case to which I refer, the victim was the ex-wife of a man with whom he had a child. The child is two years old. The ex-husband rented a house, bought power tools, pool acid and Rubbermaid-type tubs. He then came from another state, under the guise of visitation with his daughter. He convinced the wife to come get the daughter late at night whereupon he killed her (apparently in the presence of the daughter). He then took the ex-wife's body to a remote location, where he cut her up into sections with the power tools, put them in the bin(s), poured acid in the bins and then buried them. Oh, and just to try to make sure she couldn't be identified, he had cut off her fingers with a pair of pruning pliers and pulled her teeth out with a pair of pliers. He may have thrown these parts into a canal where there are an abundance of alligators.
I was aghast, as would be any normal or even moderately abnormal person. Viewed from a purely technical standpoint, it was actually well-planned, but like most criminals, the idiot talked to the police; talked himself into getting arrested and charged, so the crime will not go unpunished, whether it will be punished to the extent it should be is yet another question. Suffice it to say, he probably would have gotten away with it had he kept his mouth shut!!
On an emotional level, beyond being appalled, I also ask, "How can someone hate someone so much that they would do that to another person....Let alone the mother of their child?!?" I am not sure I could ever understand this. About the only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if it would be proved she was alive during the beginning parts of this. That goes beyond even my considerably high tolerance for violence, pain and suffering.
I cannot even begin to imagine what this woman could have done to this guy that would justify this, even is his obviously warped mind. I am stuck explaining to myself what I tell people everyday; I am trying to figure out a rational explanation for irrational actions and behavior. Unfortunately, that is the best I can do, because I cannot understand it or even wrap my head around the concept. Does that make me ignorant? Lacking empathy? It may, but I am not sure I ever want to be able to understand how this guy could do what he did. If I did, I would be very worried about myself It is said that the police have to be able to think like a criminal to solve the crimes they commit. If that is true, it is no wonder the police can get pretty odd after a while. Anyone that can, in any way, understand these actions, has to be a little (a lot?) off center. I am pretty "off center" myself, and I have not a clue. I just shake my head and sigh.
In the case to which I refer, the victim was the ex-wife of a man with whom he had a child. The child is two years old. The ex-husband rented a house, bought power tools, pool acid and Rubbermaid-type tubs. He then came from another state, under the guise of visitation with his daughter. He convinced the wife to come get the daughter late at night whereupon he killed her (apparently in the presence of the daughter). He then took the ex-wife's body to a remote location, where he cut her up into sections with the power tools, put them in the bin(s), poured acid in the bins and then buried them. Oh, and just to try to make sure she couldn't be identified, he had cut off her fingers with a pair of pruning pliers and pulled her teeth out with a pair of pliers. He may have thrown these parts into a canal where there are an abundance of alligators.
I was aghast, as would be any normal or even moderately abnormal person. Viewed from a purely technical standpoint, it was actually well-planned, but like most criminals, the idiot talked to the police; talked himself into getting arrested and charged, so the crime will not go unpunished, whether it will be punished to the extent it should be is yet another question. Suffice it to say, he probably would have gotten away with it had he kept his mouth shut!!
On an emotional level, beyond being appalled, I also ask, "How can someone hate someone so much that they would do that to another person....Let alone the mother of their child?!?" I am not sure I could ever understand this. About the only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if it would be proved she was alive during the beginning parts of this. That goes beyond even my considerably high tolerance for violence, pain and suffering.
I cannot even begin to imagine what this woman could have done to this guy that would justify this, even is his obviously warped mind. I am stuck explaining to myself what I tell people everyday; I am trying to figure out a rational explanation for irrational actions and behavior. Unfortunately, that is the best I can do, because I cannot understand it or even wrap my head around the concept. Does that make me ignorant? Lacking empathy? It may, but I am not sure I ever want to be able to understand how this guy could do what he did. If I did, I would be very worried about myself It is said that the police have to be able to think like a criminal to solve the crimes they commit. If that is true, it is no wonder the police can get pretty odd after a while. Anyone that can, in any way, understand these actions, has to be a little (a lot?) off center. I am pretty "off center" myself, and I have not a clue. I just shake my head and sigh.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
The User Date
As I wrote in a recent post, I am back into the dating world and using the Standard Internet Dating Protocol (SIDP) to meet women. I had a kind of horrific experience that I need to share. I share because I need the cathartic release of telling someone and most of my friends just don't want to hear it...LOL So, I burden the greater world.
I recently discovered there is a slightly different mechanism of expressing disinterest in a man, one I find more heinous than the disappearance I described previously. Warning: there is considerable bitterness here on my part. This one has been around for probably a hundred years, but is still practiced. I had thought it reserved for the obviously wealthy and married men fooling around on their wives. I was wrong. In this dating scenario you meet a woman you like that you think likes you. You think you have a lot in common with her and you ask her to dinner. Since you are trying to impress her, you take her to a nice place (read: expensive). The dinner goes downhill from the moment you get to into the car to go to the restaurant. The restaurant is either not to her liking, in spite of the fact that you asked her for her preference, and she offers no alternatives. Clearly, she made you guess and you either guessed wrong, or she is setting things up for failure. She orders the most expensive things on the menu, from drinks to desserts, from the moment you get there, and just to make sure she establishes herself as queen bitch, she complains about her meal and sends it back...twice!
The conversation during the entire evening is all about her, more her and her needs, then turns to lifestyle needs which rival anything portrayed on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Now, I have already figured out I need to get away from this woman, quickly. The frat boy in me wants to excuse myself, pay the check, tell the hostess to call her a cab when she is done, and flee like the wind, but the gentleman in me, and I am always a gentleman, at least publicly, stays, finishes dinner and takes her home. Like a gentleman should, I start to get out of the car to open her car door, but I am stopped when she says, "I don't think we have enough in common to go forward." She gets out and flees herself. I go home cursing her the whole trip. Just to make sure I got the message, she texts me to tell me that we have nothing in common. The kicker is, she gets pissed and goes on a demeaning and condescending text rant when I reply simply, "I agree." Again, how dare I...LOL
Ladies, this is what you pay a certain price for in terms of your interactions with men. We have these experiences and we learn from them. Like me, some of us, at least for a while, over-generalize from them and women that are as appalled by this behavior as I, end up being treated as if they would do this. I know that most would not, but, as is said, once burned, twice shy.
I am still partially burned from the experience, and my writing about it is my form of catharsis. I am just worried that it taints my worldview of women and dating. The truth be told, I am actually considering getting a tattoo that will be a warning to women I am with. The tattoo, placed on my chest, right over my heart, will be of a stylized heart wrapped in barbed wire. I think it can work two ways, first as a warning to me to be much more careful before giving my heart to another. The second is as a warning to a potential partner, it will be tough to get to my heart, but once inside, you are protected. We shall see....
I recently discovered there is a slightly different mechanism of expressing disinterest in a man, one I find more heinous than the disappearance I described previously. Warning: there is considerable bitterness here on my part. This one has been around for probably a hundred years, but is still practiced. I had thought it reserved for the obviously wealthy and married men fooling around on their wives. I was wrong. In this dating scenario you meet a woman you like that you think likes you. You think you have a lot in common with her and you ask her to dinner. Since you are trying to impress her, you take her to a nice place (read: expensive). The dinner goes downhill from the moment you get to into the car to go to the restaurant. The restaurant is either not to her liking, in spite of the fact that you asked her for her preference, and she offers no alternatives. Clearly, she made you guess and you either guessed wrong, or she is setting things up for failure. She orders the most expensive things on the menu, from drinks to desserts, from the moment you get there, and just to make sure she establishes herself as queen bitch, she complains about her meal and sends it back...twice!
The conversation during the entire evening is all about her, more her and her needs, then turns to lifestyle needs which rival anything portrayed on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Now, I have already figured out I need to get away from this woman, quickly. The frat boy in me wants to excuse myself, pay the check, tell the hostess to call her a cab when she is done, and flee like the wind, but the gentleman in me, and I am always a gentleman, at least publicly, stays, finishes dinner and takes her home. Like a gentleman should, I start to get out of the car to open her car door, but I am stopped when she says, "I don't think we have enough in common to go forward." She gets out and flees herself. I go home cursing her the whole trip. Just to make sure I got the message, she texts me to tell me that we have nothing in common. The kicker is, she gets pissed and goes on a demeaning and condescending text rant when I reply simply, "I agree." Again, how dare I...LOL
Ladies, this is what you pay a certain price for in terms of your interactions with men. We have these experiences and we learn from them. Like me, some of us, at least for a while, over-generalize from them and women that are as appalled by this behavior as I, end up being treated as if they would do this. I know that most would not, but, as is said, once burned, twice shy.
I am still partially burned from the experience, and my writing about it is my form of catharsis. I am just worried that it taints my worldview of women and dating. The truth be told, I am actually considering getting a tattoo that will be a warning to women I am with. The tattoo, placed on my chest, right over my heart, will be of a stylized heart wrapped in barbed wire. I think it can work two ways, first as a warning to me to be much more careful before giving my heart to another. The second is as a warning to a potential partner, it will be tough to get to my heart, but once inside, you are protected. We shall see....
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