Several months ago, I met a younger woman through, of all places, the Internet (who'da thunk?). I will not go into the details of the site or anything. Suffice it to say, I was seeking a woman that had holes in her head that fit the bumps in mine. In this case, at least initially, they absolutely did, but as time passed, things began to change, and not for the better.
I noticed that we would get together and she would ask questions about why I chose this restaurant or this hotel or whatever. What became clear is that she was asking because my choices were not up to her expectations and/or standards. In plain English, they were not expensive enough for her tastes. The cynic in me now recognizes that she wanted only the best possible "stuff" whenever someone else was paying for it. Quite frankly, near the end, and I did not see the end coming, I was going broke paying for her Champagne tastes. I suspect she recognized this and decided that since I was not Daddy Warbucks that I was no longer suitable.
In my defense, I am not a cheapskate, but a relationship has to be more than expensive dinners, all the time and meetings in expensive hotels, all the time. We spent one hour at her condo, once, and no time at my house ever, over a period of about 5 months. This is just not normal. Spending several hours in a hotel, screwing like bunny rabbits was fine, but coming to my house was "out of her comfort zone." I bought cute little gifts, not expensive, but, in my opinion cute and romantic as reminders of the time we spent together. Not that I would ever expect their return, but she made sure she got a much anticipated gift that I had told her I had bought her before she disappeared. In fact she got it the last time we were together. In my world, we have a name for women that do this...LOL
When she decided to jettison me, and I use the term jettison deliberately, she did so by simply and totally cutting off contact with me. There was no conversation, no explanation, not a word. Suddenly, I was cut-off. My calls went unanswered, my texts went unanswered and after that there was not another word spoken or written between us. Well, I lie, there was one text message exchanged. I was becoming worried at the fact that I had not heard from her after about three days, which, up to that point, was unusual. In a text message I made her aware of my concern and it was pretty clear I was going to show up on her doorstep just to make sure she was alive, not hospitalized, etc. She responded with a text that she was having "major issues" with her daughter and this is the reason she went silent. Of course I now know this to have been a lie just to make sure that I would not show up and she would not have to speak with me. I can be a little thick sometimes, but I got this message loud and clear. I have not heard from her, nor attempted to contact her again.
While it sounds like I am not "over" her that is really not the case. I can take rejection pretty well. Like most people, I have been doing it all my life. What I do not understand, and what really bugs me, is how a person can treat another person in such an abominable fashion. Just disappearing is just, well, for lack of a better word, rude. It is also, in my-not-so-humble opinion, cruel, heartless and mean-spirited. I can deal with the breakup of a relationship and have in the past. While I appreciate an explanation, accurate, inaccurate, even a lie, it is not necessary, but some sort of goodbye, even a dismissal as simple as "it's not working out for me," is fine.
Just falling off the face of the Earth is, well, cowardly, and I find cowardice one of the most vile character traits in a person. Fear is a reaction, and an understandable one in many cases, but cowardice is a conscious decision to act as a, well, coward. This, in my world view is completely unacceptable. This is probably the best reason why I am really over her, because I could never be with a coward. I do look back on my life and think about bad things I have done and wonder if this might be some kind of Karmic payback. I am not perfect and although it is probably not huge, I am sure I have a Karma Debt (as I call it) to pay back.
The breakup of any relationship is difficult. I have been divorced, I know. It can be painful and it is emotional, but as human beings, we owe it to our partners, even our temporary partners, at absolute minimum, a notice that "it is over." I am not talking about a full-on explanation, nor a discussion, nor, in particular, an argument. Do it on the phone even, then if the unwanted argument occurs, you can hang up. At least your ex-partner knows it's over. If you fear you are going to be the subject of stalking, I am not sure it is going to make any difference whether you give notice or not. I would have to say that if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, then the notice requirement is waived, and even then, the notice likely comes in the form of the police knocking on the door with the Restraining Order. In an older time it was Daddy or big brother with a shotgun, sometimes far more effective, actually, and it did not require multiple Court appearances.
It can be beneficial to tell someone why you are dumping them, but it is not required. If anything, consider that the person might engage in self-improvement and the next person they meet will be better off for your experience. You are paying it forward to the next person, and there will be a next person, but if you just disappear, there can be no improvement, self-assessment, nor will there be closure. If your goal is to deny your former partner any or all of these, it just makes you an asshole or a bitch…oh well….
