LIFE DOES NOT BEGIN THE DAY YOU MET

I have a friend that firmly believes that his history with a woman begins the day they meet.  He is married, has a few children, and is a very smart guy.  He does, however, believe that his previous relationship history is never to be a topic of conversation with or in front of his wife of now 20 (?) years.  In his way of thinking, there is somehow a magical rebirth the day you meet each potential partner.  I happen to disagree and since this is my blog, I shall write and not allow him to defend himself.  Get your own blog, buddy...LOL

In our society it is considered socially unacceptable to share with new potential partners the foibles of previous experiences with past partners or potential partners.  You know, talking about your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend on a date.  I have never understood how someone is supposed to spend a great deal of time, basically as part of a couple, and then somehow be expected to erase that experience and never talk about it.  I don't have that expectation, but I am told I am unique. 

In peoples' histories there was first an "I and me" period.  This turned into an "us and we" period, and when that ended, they became "I and me" again.  If someone spent a couple of decades as "us and we", exactly how do you expect them to tell you about themselves without accepting that there was someone else that helped shape them into who they are now, albeit an ex.  That's right, there was someone before you, and they helped, over a period of many years, mold your date into the person who stands, sits or kneels in front of you.  Get over it, and listen, you may learn something.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a limit on this discussion.  When a date starts beating you over the head with their ex, there is a problem.  I have had relationships in which it was made clear to me that I did not live up to the standards set by the previous partner.  I wasn't available enough, rich enough, tall enough, dressed well enough, etc.  Oh, and ladies, if you tell a man he is not endowed as well, you might want to flee immediately, for this is unacceptable. 

I once went out on a date, which I determined not quick enough, that I should not have gone out on.  I had too recently broken up with a woman with whom I was still in love, yes, she dumped me (I know, you are aghast!).  My date sat across from me as I talked about nothing but my ex.  I give her credit for listening to me as long as she did.  At some point, even I figured it out and I apologized to her.  I acknowledged that I was not ready to be dating and was truly sorry I had put her through it.  She was delightfully understanding and I still think of her as a charming and tolerant woman.  However, I have not spoken to her since, and likely never will.  I occasionally wonder what might have happened is my timing had been better.

Telling someone about an ex, in terms of yourself, to an extent is fine, but when you start comparing your new potential partner to them, that may cross a line.  I say may, because if all you do is say how bad your ex is compared to your new man or woman, that can be okay, for a while, but even then, it can become a droning and make someone think "how long before they start talking about me this way?"  Contempt, in this case, can breed caution.

Gentleman, take note, life did not start the day you started dating her, she has a very important history and it included someone else.  By the way, if you are over the age of about 25, so does yours.  A man can listen carefully to a woman and learn what to do and what not to do.  She dumped your predecessor and there was a reason for that.  Learn from someone else's mistakes, treat the stories of the past as a learning experience and use carefully your tales of an ex as teaching moments to say, do this or don't do this.  Trust me, our brains are taking notes...at least they should be.