People I know, and on occasion myself, seem to feel guilt at having lived good lives. By this I mean a relatively easy life. I have never known hunger in my life. I have always had a roof over my head, and a nice roof too. I have never not gotten anything I needed. Please note I did not get a lot of things I wanted, but I was never denied anything I ever really needed. I got a good education from the time I was a young child. My parents, although somewhat distant, were involved in my life. This involvement sometimes, and sometimes often, involved punishment of the physical kind, but I managed to come out of it relatively unscathed. I was able to continue my education past college and into graduate school thanks to my parents and the U.S. Army.
I have friends who tell stories of their parents working their entire lives in steel mills in towns that where almost subsidiaries of the steel company. My friend worked in the steel mill every Summer while he went to college at an Ivy League College and then went on to law school. He had a different life than mine, but was probably even more successful for it. He earned everything he ever got, nothing was given to him, whether it was something he want or needed. I think he probably has a greater respect for material things than I do, in all honesty.
Good life guilt has lead me to spend the greater part of my life dedicated to being worthy of my good life. I have been a public servant and public employee my entire adult life. I have used the education, training and experience that has been given to me to make the world a better place for others. My friend earned his good life having lived a hard one. I, on the other hand, am working to be deserving of the good life I have had and have now. I am not sure if there is a measure of who got the better deal, so to speak, but, in the end, I think that we are pretty well even.
One day I will retire, I hope, and I will be able to look back on my life and identify, with some particularity, persons that are better off for the fact that I am alive. I will use this to justify my good life when the time comes for me to be judged.
Friday, March 25, 2011
CHANGE IS ALWAYS BAD !!
There are those, and they walk among us, that truly believe change is always bad. The terms new, different and exciting cause them severe gastrointestinal distress for some reason. Change sometimes involves a bit of risk. You have to put yourself out there and take a chance on being wrong. So what you have to do is make a determination of the risk/reward ratio. Those of us that have been administrators often call this cost-benefit analysis. You weigh the risks against the rewards and you figure out if it is worth it, but more on that later.
Change can cause discomfort. New, different and exciting can sometimes be the cause of fear; fear of the unknown. You do the best you can to figure out the benefits of a change, but you cannot always be right on in your determination, and often there are the dreaded "unintended consequences." You had no idea that unintended consequences would occur, but once the change is implemented, you discover, sometimes rapidly, sometimes slowly, that there are results that you did not anticipate. If you listen to the conservative politicians and believers, the reason the economy took a dump was the fact that the liberals in Congress decided to change the rules regulating mortgages. Liberals have long believed that everyone should be able to own a home and dictated, by legislative fiat, that mortgages had to be given to certain minority groups, in a certain percentage. Ultimately, this resulted in persons that could not afford mortgages getting financed for mortgages on which they could not possibly make the payments. Time passes and poof, they default. This happens all at once, the residential real estate market takes a huge crap on the economy and we get "The Great Recession."
An excellent example of this is a girlfriend I used to have. She refinanced her home at 120% of the market value at the height of the market; the assumption being that the homes would continue to appreciate at the over-heated rate they had for the previous several years. In order to be able to make the payments, she amortized the payments over 50 years (she was in her mid-40's at the time...you do the math). This was the only way she could afford the payments, and she used the money to pay off her car and her credit cards, etc. This succeeded in financing her debt over 50 years instead of the usual 5 for a car (again, you do the math, 4% for 50 years vs. a higher interest for only 5 years). Oh, did I mention that this was an adjustable rate mortgage? Well, the rate adjusted up and she had to do everything she could to make the payment, including getting a second job. She teeters on the brink of losing her home...oh well. I am a little distraught only because I, being the nice guy I am, and being able to at the time, loaned her the money to make a down payment. This is money on which I have not seen payments in a couple of years, but she was able to buy a new Harley...oh well. In many cases, this same thing happened and people lost their homes to foreclosure. The real estate market crashed and burned and still lies in a heap of rubble as I type, but again, I digress.
I will not argue the point as to whether the conservatives among us are correct or not, but, if true, I will say it is an excellent example of unintended consequences. We decide to make sure all minorities can share in the "American Dream," regardless of whether they can afford to make the payments on their new homes and, as a result, we get an economic downturn the likes we have not seen in 80 years. This does not consider the fact that the mortgage foreclosure has devastated these people's credit even further into the future than it might have been before.
Many years ago, as part of a military project, I was doing what we called "hearts and minds" work in a far-off foreign land. One of the things we were doing was to train the farmers how to use things like fertilizer, rotate crops and till hillsides to avoid erosion. It was what we called Peace Corps work too. Each time we tried to get the villagers to do anything different, their reply was always the same, "But we have always done it this way." There was no rational reason for not doing things differently. There were no unintended consequences, just an irrational desire to not change because "we have always done it this way."
In spite of the rather ominous example of unintended consequences, change is not always bad. Change can lead to a more efficient and effective way of doing things. Change can bring about the ability to get more done, do things faster or with less effort. Change can bring about a change of image from old fashioned and stodgy to progressive and enlightened; you know, modern, but in a world in which change is feared and to be avoided at all possible costs; where change is bad, change will never occur. Things will stay the same and they will not get any better, until change is forced upon "them" by an outside entity, or progress marches on and over those that stand in the way.
Cowards are persons that fear change, any change, but should know better. However, they are not tribes of under-educated, third-world fiefs or serfs in a feudal system. The cowards are those that tremble at the mere thought of doing things differently; they think that if things stay the same, they have nothing to fear. They hide from progress and they wallow in the behavior of the past, governed by their fears, their insecurities and their false perceptions. Cowards do not realize that change is not only necessary; it is inevitable, just as progress is inevitable. They do not understand that they will suffer the fate of the Dodo if they do not change and accept change, for progressive thinkers will take charge and replace them in the blink of an eye. The cowards will be left trembling in the wake of change, having no idea what has happened to them, decrying their fate, a fate they truly deserve.
Most things can be done better as technology improves, as new methods of accomplishing a task or process are developed, so change is not always bad. However, just because we can change it, does not mean we necessarily should; to paraphrase Dr. Ian Macolm in Jurrasic Park, "You were so busy patting yourself on the back that you could, you never bothered to ask whether you should." We have spent so much time in our society changing things for the sake of change; we have screwed up a lot of things that never needed fixing. My personal belief is that the education system in this country that focused on reading, writing and arithmetic, did not need to be changed. We changed it because we could, not because we should. We had to justify the employment of all sorts of bureaucrats that justify their existence by changing things for the sake of changing things. Sometimes you have to look at things from the position of, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." There are changes that need to be implemented, where things aren't working, but the cowards won't and that is a damn shame.
Change can cause discomfort. New, different and exciting can sometimes be the cause of fear; fear of the unknown. You do the best you can to figure out the benefits of a change, but you cannot always be right on in your determination, and often there are the dreaded "unintended consequences." You had no idea that unintended consequences would occur, but once the change is implemented, you discover, sometimes rapidly, sometimes slowly, that there are results that you did not anticipate. If you listen to the conservative politicians and believers, the reason the economy took a dump was the fact that the liberals in Congress decided to change the rules regulating mortgages. Liberals have long believed that everyone should be able to own a home and dictated, by legislative fiat, that mortgages had to be given to certain minority groups, in a certain percentage. Ultimately, this resulted in persons that could not afford mortgages getting financed for mortgages on which they could not possibly make the payments. Time passes and poof, they default. This happens all at once, the residential real estate market takes a huge crap on the economy and we get "The Great Recession."
An excellent example of this is a girlfriend I used to have. She refinanced her home at 120% of the market value at the height of the market; the assumption being that the homes would continue to appreciate at the over-heated rate they had for the previous several years. In order to be able to make the payments, she amortized the payments over 50 years (she was in her mid-40's at the time...you do the math). This was the only way she could afford the payments, and she used the money to pay off her car and her credit cards, etc. This succeeded in financing her debt over 50 years instead of the usual 5 for a car (again, you do the math, 4% for 50 years vs. a higher interest for only 5 years). Oh, did I mention that this was an adjustable rate mortgage? Well, the rate adjusted up and she had to do everything she could to make the payment, including getting a second job. She teeters on the brink of losing her home...oh well. I am a little distraught only because I, being the nice guy I am, and being able to at the time, loaned her the money to make a down payment. This is money on which I have not seen payments in a couple of years, but she was able to buy a new Harley...oh well. In many cases, this same thing happened and people lost their homes to foreclosure. The real estate market crashed and burned and still lies in a heap of rubble as I type, but again, I digress.
I will not argue the point as to whether the conservatives among us are correct or not, but, if true, I will say it is an excellent example of unintended consequences. We decide to make sure all minorities can share in the "American Dream," regardless of whether they can afford to make the payments on their new homes and, as a result, we get an economic downturn the likes we have not seen in 80 years. This does not consider the fact that the mortgage foreclosure has devastated these people's credit even further into the future than it might have been before.
Many years ago, as part of a military project, I was doing what we called "hearts and minds" work in a far-off foreign land. One of the things we were doing was to train the farmers how to use things like fertilizer, rotate crops and till hillsides to avoid erosion. It was what we called Peace Corps work too. Each time we tried to get the villagers to do anything different, their reply was always the same, "But we have always done it this way." There was no rational reason for not doing things differently. There were no unintended consequences, just an irrational desire to not change because "we have always done it this way."
In spite of the rather ominous example of unintended consequences, change is not always bad. Change can lead to a more efficient and effective way of doing things. Change can bring about the ability to get more done, do things faster or with less effort. Change can bring about a change of image from old fashioned and stodgy to progressive and enlightened; you know, modern, but in a world in which change is feared and to be avoided at all possible costs; where change is bad, change will never occur. Things will stay the same and they will not get any better, until change is forced upon "them" by an outside entity, or progress marches on and over those that stand in the way.
Cowards are persons that fear change, any change, but should know better. However, they are not tribes of under-educated, third-world fiefs or serfs in a feudal system. The cowards are those that tremble at the mere thought of doing things differently; they think that if things stay the same, they have nothing to fear. They hide from progress and they wallow in the behavior of the past, governed by their fears, their insecurities and their false perceptions. Cowards do not realize that change is not only necessary; it is inevitable, just as progress is inevitable. They do not understand that they will suffer the fate of the Dodo if they do not change and accept change, for progressive thinkers will take charge and replace them in the blink of an eye. The cowards will be left trembling in the wake of change, having no idea what has happened to them, decrying their fate, a fate they truly deserve.
Most things can be done better as technology improves, as new methods of accomplishing a task or process are developed, so change is not always bad. However, just because we can change it, does not mean we necessarily should; to paraphrase Dr. Ian Macolm in Jurrasic Park, "You were so busy patting yourself on the back that you could, you never bothered to ask whether you should." We have spent so much time in our society changing things for the sake of change; we have screwed up a lot of things that never needed fixing. My personal belief is that the education system in this country that focused on reading, writing and arithmetic, did not need to be changed. We changed it because we could, not because we should. We had to justify the employment of all sorts of bureaucrats that justify their existence by changing things for the sake of changing things. Sometimes you have to look at things from the position of, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." There are changes that need to be implemented, where things aren't working, but the cowards won't and that is a damn shame.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The Puppet by Johnny Welch
This poem was originally mistaken to be written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez as a farewell message to all his friends at a time when his health was failing him. It was actually written by a Mexican ventriloquist, Johnny Welch, and dedicated to his puppet. Which actually makes more sense, but I suppose makes it less poignant.
Either way, I think it has some lovely imagery.
Either way, I think it has some lovely imagery.
The Puppet
If for a moment God would forget that I am a rag doll and give me a scrap of life, possibly I would not say everything that I think, but I would definitely think everything that I say.
I would value things not for how much they are worth but rather for what they mean.
I would sleep little, dream more. I know that for each minute that we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.
I would walk when the others loiter; I would awaken when the others sleep.
I would listen when the others speak, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream.
If God would bestow on me a scrap of life, I would dress simply, I would throw myself flat under the sun, exposing not only my body but also my soul.
My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hatred on ice and wait for the sun to come out. With a dream of Van Gogh I would paint on the stars a poem by Benedetti, and a song by Serrat would be my serenade to the moon.
With my tears I would water the roses, to feel the pain of their thorns and the incarnated kiss of their petals...My God, if I only had a scrap of life...
I wouldn't let a single day go by without saying to people I love, that I love them.
I would convince each woman or man that they are my favourites and I would live in love with love.
I would prove to the men how mistaken they are in thinking that they no longer fall in love when they grow old--not knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love. To a child I would give wings, but I would let him learn how to fly by himself. To the old I would teach that death comes not with old age but with forgetting. I have learned so much from you men....
I have learned that everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain without realizing that true happiness lies in the way we climb the slope.
I have learned that when a newborn first squeezes his father's finger in his tiny fist, he has caught him forever.
I have learned that a man only has the right to look down on another man when it is to help him to stand up. I have learned so many things from you, but in the end most of it will be no use because when they put me inside that suitcase, unfortunately I will be dying.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sometimes You Just Need A Hug...or "I want my mommy"
Contrary to the popular belief and conventional wisdom that men must be courageous, strong and brave all the time, sometimes us men can just get overwhelmed and need a great big hug by a set of enveloping arms and maybe even be able to, dare I say it, shed a tear from time to time. Today was one of those overwhelming days for me. Not because anything in particular happened; the stars aligned, the tides were right, the barometric pressure was just so, the phone rang once too often and the pot just kinda boiled over, creating one of those I need a hug days.
I wish I knew how to prevent these events, but most of them are totally and completely beyond my control. Life changes with the ring of the phone and, unfortunately, I have no choice but to answer the damn thing.
I have reached the point of losing it completely three or four times in my life. A couple involved women and, I admit it, I cried like a baby. In one case I have a witness. Life, as I knew it, was over. I was crushed, my heart broken and left a pile of spineless flesh. The truth be told, I brought these instances on myself and I probably, no make that almost certainly, deserved it. On one occasion a man actually tried to kill me and my brain was not able to wrap itself around this event. It resulted in my beating a man into hospitalization. The shrink called it a "psychotic break" apparently a part of something called Acute Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not a big man because I was able to beat a man senseless and under different circumstances, would have been criminally charged. I actually feel it was an act of cowardice on my part, but I shall save that for another time. The final time I was just overloaded, having investigated every dead child that had occurred in a rather large county for five years straight. I knew something was terribly wrong when I was able to point to every photo of every child on the bulletin board on my wall and tell you their names and birthdays. Do it long enough and you will snap, trust me. If you don't snap, you will eventually become so dull emotionally you will become the moral equivalent of a zombie.
Today was just one of those days I would have liked to have been able to come home to a kind, strong, loving and understanding woman with a set of outstretched arms and a few kind words who would have done nothing more than listen to me complain, bitch, piss and moan. Having such a person in our lives is not an option, it is a requirement, a necessity and as needed as food and water at times. It is something that keeps us sane and, yes, it is nothing more than a carrying on of a man's need for his mommy. I am not ashamed to say that I have been in situations of absolute, abject, life-threatening terror that I have screamed for my mommy. I have screamed a few other words during the initial shock, but once the bone-chilling fear took hold and the reality of the fact that I might just die in a moment or two set in, I called out for my mommy. Although, not quite the same, what more comforting feeling can a man have than when hi smother hugs him. It is the ultimate protection, followed closely by pulling the covers up over our head.
I find that the next best thing is to just write it down here and share it with the greater world. This is my version of the Doogie Hauser diary of the T.V. series of the same name. I think that struck a chord and I am living that portion of wisdom in my own life. I feel better now. I still could use the hug, but now I can go on better without it.
I wish I knew how to prevent these events, but most of them are totally and completely beyond my control. Life changes with the ring of the phone and, unfortunately, I have no choice but to answer the damn thing.
I have reached the point of losing it completely three or four times in my life. A couple involved women and, I admit it, I cried like a baby. In one case I have a witness. Life, as I knew it, was over. I was crushed, my heart broken and left a pile of spineless flesh. The truth be told, I brought these instances on myself and I probably, no make that almost certainly, deserved it. On one occasion a man actually tried to kill me and my brain was not able to wrap itself around this event. It resulted in my beating a man into hospitalization. The shrink called it a "psychotic break" apparently a part of something called Acute Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not a big man because I was able to beat a man senseless and under different circumstances, would have been criminally charged. I actually feel it was an act of cowardice on my part, but I shall save that for another time. The final time I was just overloaded, having investigated every dead child that had occurred in a rather large county for five years straight. I knew something was terribly wrong when I was able to point to every photo of every child on the bulletin board on my wall and tell you their names and birthdays. Do it long enough and you will snap, trust me. If you don't snap, you will eventually become so dull emotionally you will become the moral equivalent of a zombie.
Today was just one of those days I would have liked to have been able to come home to a kind, strong, loving and understanding woman with a set of outstretched arms and a few kind words who would have done nothing more than listen to me complain, bitch, piss and moan. Having such a person in our lives is not an option, it is a requirement, a necessity and as needed as food and water at times. It is something that keeps us sane and, yes, it is nothing more than a carrying on of a man's need for his mommy. I am not ashamed to say that I have been in situations of absolute, abject, life-threatening terror that I have screamed for my mommy. I have screamed a few other words during the initial shock, but once the bone-chilling fear took hold and the reality of the fact that I might just die in a moment or two set in, I called out for my mommy. Although, not quite the same, what more comforting feeling can a man have than when hi smother hugs him. It is the ultimate protection, followed closely by pulling the covers up over our head.
I find that the next best thing is to just write it down here and share it with the greater world. This is my version of the Doogie Hauser diary of the T.V. series of the same name. I think that struck a chord and I am living that portion of wisdom in my own life. I feel better now. I still could use the hug, but now I can go on better without it.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Who I Want to Be
I want to be so many things, really. I have been fortunate to have been so many things, but I am not a poet, nor songwriter, nor singer. It is not for lack of inspration it is lack of ability and in the immortal words of Harry Callaghan, "A man's got to know his limitations." So, I let the people that have the skills to do these things speak for me sometimes, for they do it and say it so much better than I ever could.
Once in my life, for one special woman, I want to inspire her to feel the things in this song. She may not be able to write them or express them the way Carrie Underwood can, but she will be able to feel them for certain, and I want to be the man that makes her feel this way...
Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers
And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
Mama theres no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes
Cuz he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
And when I watch my little baby grow I'll only want what's best for her
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say
He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
Mama dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
Once in my life, for one special woman, I want to inspire her to feel the things in this song. She may not be able to write them or express them the way Carrie Underwood can, but she will be able to feel them for certain, and I want to be the man that makes her feel this way...
Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers
And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
Mama theres no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes
Cuz he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
And when I watch my little baby grow I'll only want what's best for her
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say
He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
Mama dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me
Friday, December 3, 2010
Bumps and Holes
I have met some pretty strange people in my life; we all have, probably. It is okay to think some people are weird. We have established certain norms within our society that provide us with guidelines regarding what is socially acceptable. We have laws. These are the most formalized norms that define our society. These daysm we find ourselves in a terrible battle betwen societies today regarding norms that define two different societies. Fundamnetalist, Radical Muslims believe that if you are not a Fundamentalist, Radical Muslim that thinks exactly how they think, they can kill you, for you are an infidel. We, the American society, generally believe in religious tolerance. We believe in live and let live, and that all people have the absolute right to believe what they want. The active word here is believe. There are Baptists that believe I am goung to go to Hell because I am not a Baptist. They want me to convert, but they accept that I have the right to believe what I want and make the choice, in their opinion, to go to Hell.
This is one of the most well-defined, formalized examples of the differences between people. The ones that each of us have to deal with on a day-to-day basis are more subtle. We have societal norms that we use to judge. The homeless man or woman with all of his or her belongings in a shopping cart are generally looked down upon and judged harshly by most, but not all. There are people in our society that have different beliefs about what is acceptable behavior sexually. We have a loose underground group of people in our society that beleive in sex as a recreational activity. In years gone by they were referred to as "swingers." Most people do not understand this lifestyle, and they judge harshly, much like the homeless. Of course there are differences between the comparisons, homelessness is often not a choice. Swinging, group sex and complete sexual freedom is viewed as a choice. It may not be for some people, but that is how it is viewed.
Have you ever thought about them; the odd among us, setting their oddities aside? Most of these people are different. They act different and behave different and that is what makes them odd. Have you ever considered how one odd person finds another odd person and a relationship begins? And once they find each other what is that makes them stay together? I contend that people that operate outside the norms of our society are able to fit together. One of them has holes in her head, another has bumps in his. The key is when they put their heads together, the bumps in his head fit the holes in hers. Ya, they are both weird, strange and otherwise out there, but they fit together. They compliment each other and, to use the hackneyed words of Jerry MaGuire, they "complete" each other. When they are together they are whole. When they complete each other, they make a whole that is greater than the sum of their respective parts.
There is very little difference between those we think of as strange and those of us we think of as normal, in many respects. We are always just looking for the person who has the holes in her head that fit the bumps in ours. That is how we can define true happiness and, in my opinion, how we can also define the realtionships between the people we know that are truly in love. I have discovered that I have a pretty bumpy head and I am on the lookout for the woman that has a pretty holey head, but the holes have to be in just the right places.
This is one of the most well-defined, formalized examples of the differences between people. The ones that each of us have to deal with on a day-to-day basis are more subtle. We have societal norms that we use to judge. The homeless man or woman with all of his or her belongings in a shopping cart are generally looked down upon and judged harshly by most, but not all. There are people in our society that have different beliefs about what is acceptable behavior sexually. We have a loose underground group of people in our society that beleive in sex as a recreational activity. In years gone by they were referred to as "swingers." Most people do not understand this lifestyle, and they judge harshly, much like the homeless. Of course there are differences between the comparisons, homelessness is often not a choice. Swinging, group sex and complete sexual freedom is viewed as a choice. It may not be for some people, but that is how it is viewed.
Have you ever thought about them; the odd among us, setting their oddities aside? Most of these people are different. They act different and behave different and that is what makes them odd. Have you ever considered how one odd person finds another odd person and a relationship begins? And once they find each other what is that makes them stay together? I contend that people that operate outside the norms of our society are able to fit together. One of them has holes in her head, another has bumps in his. The key is when they put their heads together, the bumps in his head fit the holes in hers. Ya, they are both weird, strange and otherwise out there, but they fit together. They compliment each other and, to use the hackneyed words of Jerry MaGuire, they "complete" each other. When they are together they are whole. When they complete each other, they make a whole that is greater than the sum of their respective parts.
There is very little difference between those we think of as strange and those of us we think of as normal, in many respects. We are always just looking for the person who has the holes in her head that fit the bumps in ours. That is how we can define true happiness and, in my opinion, how we can also define the realtionships between the people we know that are truly in love. I have discovered that I have a pretty bumpy head and I am on the lookout for the woman that has a pretty holey head, but the holes have to be in just the right places.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The People You Meet in Life...
The other night I spent four hours in a telephone conversation with a woman. This, in and of itself, is not record-breaking, but is noteworthy. What is really astonishing is the fact that there was never a missed beat nor wasted moment in the entire conversation. It was an exchange of ideas, thoughts, impressions, opinions, likes, dislikes and deal-breakers. That last one, the deal breakers, was never reached. There were seemingly no deal breakers. Now that is really noteworthy.
This woman was/is bright, intelligent, articulate, open, honest and absolutely unashamed of who she is. This made it easy for her to talk about herself. She likes herself and, because she does, she has no trouble being positive about herself. She also seems to believe, correctly in my opinion, that since she likes herself and accepts herself that there is nothing to be either ashamed of nor embarrassed about. If someone does not like her, that is just fine with her. There are too many other people in the world to worry about just one. It is not that she does not care about what people think of her, she clearly cares deeply. She is the kind of person that really enjoys pleasing others and gets off on it, but she also wants to be liked and loved for who she really is, for what she really believes and what she really likes and dislikes.
My father taught me that there are four kinds of people in the world each and every one of us will meet. There are those that will like us for the right reasons. There are those that will dislike us for the right reasons. There are those that like us for the wrong reasosns. Finally, there are those that will dislike us for the wrong reasons. He told me that those that like you for the right reasons are those that can become your very best friends for life, and have found this to be true. Those that dislike us for the right reasons are people we are just not meant to like or with whom we will be friends. It is okay, we cannot be liked by everyone, and there are people taht are just not meant to get along. Don't waste your time on them, it was just not meant to be. The people that like you for the wrong reasons are the ones you really need to watch out for. These are the people who really don't like you for anything other than what you have, what you can do for them or what they can get from you. Beware, they are the users of the world, and they give little or nothing in return. The people that dislike you for the wrong reason are the people worth spending a little time working on. You might turn turn them into good friends, then again, you might not, but they are worth an effort.
I am not one to make snap judgments, but I am also a hopeful romantic, as oppsed to a sentamentalist, and I have hopes that this women and I will become friends and maybe more. We have very similar ideas, thoughts and feelings. One interestiung thing is that we agreed early on in this conversation to allow the subjects of conversation to the politically incorrect topics in polite company; politics, sex, money and religion. If you can come to an agreement on these topics, other stuff is pretty negotiable. I also find it is so much easier to discuss these topics and be completely honest before you become invested in a relationship. Think about it, you don't know someone, you have no relationship of any kind and you have nothing to gain or lose really. You discuss a sensitive topic and you say something the other person does not like, what happens? You don't lose a friend or a lover, so you can be completely honest, hold nothing back and not have to worry about incredible consequences. On the other hand, if you go out for a while, get emotionally involved, have a connection and then you find out that the man or woman is a religious fanatic, has declared personal bankruptcy three times and is a member of the Tea Party, while you are a card-carrying member of the ACLU, these can present a problem. You lose the connection you have and there is frustration and disappointment and maybe even hard feelings.
I will admit that there are other very important factors that are not part of my four socially forbidden topics. These include criminal convictions, substance abuse problems, ex-wives and girlfriends, etc, but these topics can often become easier to discuss once you have shared the forbidden topics. It is a way to break the pattern of hide and seek in developing relationships. Hey, if they have seen you naked, figuratively speaking, the rest comes a lot easier.
It may not work for everyone, but it works for me. You might want to try it....
This woman was/is bright, intelligent, articulate, open, honest and absolutely unashamed of who she is. This made it easy for her to talk about herself. She likes herself and, because she does, she has no trouble being positive about herself. She also seems to believe, correctly in my opinion, that since she likes herself and accepts herself that there is nothing to be either ashamed of nor embarrassed about. If someone does not like her, that is just fine with her. There are too many other people in the world to worry about just one. It is not that she does not care about what people think of her, she clearly cares deeply. She is the kind of person that really enjoys pleasing others and gets off on it, but she also wants to be liked and loved for who she really is, for what she really believes and what she really likes and dislikes.
My father taught me that there are four kinds of people in the world each and every one of us will meet. There are those that will like us for the right reasons. There are those that will dislike us for the right reasons. There are those that like us for the wrong reasosns. Finally, there are those that will dislike us for the wrong reasons. He told me that those that like you for the right reasons are those that can become your very best friends for life, and have found this to be true. Those that dislike us for the right reasons are people we are just not meant to like or with whom we will be friends. It is okay, we cannot be liked by everyone, and there are people taht are just not meant to get along. Don't waste your time on them, it was just not meant to be. The people that like you for the wrong reasons are the ones you really need to watch out for. These are the people who really don't like you for anything other than what you have, what you can do for them or what they can get from you. Beware, they are the users of the world, and they give little or nothing in return. The people that dislike you for the wrong reason are the people worth spending a little time working on. You might turn turn them into good friends, then again, you might not, but they are worth an effort.
I am not one to make snap judgments, but I am also a hopeful romantic, as oppsed to a sentamentalist, and I have hopes that this women and I will become friends and maybe more. We have very similar ideas, thoughts and feelings. One interestiung thing is that we agreed early on in this conversation to allow the subjects of conversation to the politically incorrect topics in polite company; politics, sex, money and religion. If you can come to an agreement on these topics, other stuff is pretty negotiable. I also find it is so much easier to discuss these topics and be completely honest before you become invested in a relationship. Think about it, you don't know someone, you have no relationship of any kind and you have nothing to gain or lose really. You discuss a sensitive topic and you say something the other person does not like, what happens? You don't lose a friend or a lover, so you can be completely honest, hold nothing back and not have to worry about incredible consequences. On the other hand, if you go out for a while, get emotionally involved, have a connection and then you find out that the man or woman is a religious fanatic, has declared personal bankruptcy three times and is a member of the Tea Party, while you are a card-carrying member of the ACLU, these can present a problem. You lose the connection you have and there is frustration and disappointment and maybe even hard feelings.
I will admit that there are other very important factors that are not part of my four socially forbidden topics. These include criminal convictions, substance abuse problems, ex-wives and girlfriends, etc, but these topics can often become easier to discuss once you have shared the forbidden topics. It is a way to break the pattern of hide and seek in developing relationships. Hey, if they have seen you naked, figuratively speaking, the rest comes a lot easier.
It may not work for everyone, but it works for me. You might want to try it....
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