There Are Things Worth Regretting

"Life goes on." "Get over it." "You'll live." All of these are phrases that imply that one should not regret, for long, things in life. I must disagree. There are things that are worth regretting, in spite of the fact that you really cannot do anything about them. I can count on one hand the number of true regrets that I have and of those maybe three are things I have not gotten past, but one stands out, in the grand scheme of things, as my biggest regret. That regret is not having children.

I have done the math and determined that I am of an age that it would probably be very unfair to have a child, because I would probably not live to see my son or daughter graduate from high school. About the time my child would want to play catch, I would be suffering from arthritis so bad I would be crippled for a week after. I imagine the young men taking my daughter on a date viewing me as a helpless old man, rather than the father, cleaning his gun at the dining room table, who will kick his ass when he brings her home late or even slightly disheveled. This is a somewhat hackneyed description of what every father dreams of when it comes to having to confront the hormonal date of his young daughter, but nonetheless true. We want respect, for both our daughters and ourselves, but fear is an acceptable substitute.

In my own case, I am particularly dismayed because I am the last person in my family line. When I pass on, my family line will die with me, and while there are those that might think this not such a bad thing, certain ex-girlfriends come immediately to mind, I am quite dismayed by the fact. I realize this seems like a selfish way of looking at things, and it is, but the fact is that it is only one of the reasons.

I figured out that about the time that I was 40, I was finally of sufficient maturity to actually raise a child. Unfortunately, at that point in my life, I was also of the realization that I was in a relationship that was probably time-limited. This is not a good situation in which to raise children. When that relationship ended, the clock, although running down, was still not at the point where children were not out of the question. In fact, I had a relationship with a woman that, through a long, involved course of events, was pregnant. I can tell you that one of the top worst days of my life was the day I found out that child was not mine. My final opportunity came with a younger woman that was probably suffering from empty-nest syndrome herself and thought the idea of a late-in-life child quite pleasant. By this time, I had gotten to the point where I thought the wisdom of such an idea questionable.

So here I stand, at a place in life where I regret that I did not have a child. I regret that I have never had the opportunity to experience the unconditional love that goes with being called daddy. I regret that I have not been able to prove my idea of the distinction between a daddy and a father...fodder for another blog post. There are some things that we regret, but few are really worth regretting. Unfortunately some of them really are...