I have a friend that firmly believes that his history with a woman begins the day they meet. He is married, has a few children, and is a very smart guy. He does, however, believe that his previous relationship history is never to be a topic of conversation with or in front of his wife of now 20 (?) years. In his way of thinking, there is somehow a magical rebirth the day you meet each potential partner. I happen to disagree and since this is my blog, I shall write and not allow him to defend himself. Get your own blog, buddy...LOL
In our society it is considered socially unacceptable to share with new potential partners the foibles of previous experiences with past partners or potential partners. You know, talking about your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend on a date. I have never understood how someone is supposed to spend a great deal of time, basically as part of a couple, and then somehow be expected to erase that experience and never talk about it. I don't have that expectation, but I am told I am unique.
In peoples' histories there was first an "I and me" period. This turned into an "us and we" period, and when that ended, they became "I and me" again. If someone spent a couple of decades as "us and we", exactly how do you expect them to tell you about themselves without accepting that there was someone else that helped shape them into who they are now, albeit an ex. That's right, there was someone before you, and they helped, over a period of many years, mold your date into the person who stands, sits or kneels in front of you. Get over it, and listen, you may learn something.
Ladies and gentlemen, there is a limit on this discussion. When a date starts beating you over the head with their ex, there is a problem. I have had relationships in which it was made clear to me that I did not live up to the standards set by the previous partner. I wasn't available enough, rich enough, tall enough, dressed well enough, etc. Oh, and ladies, if you tell a man he is not endowed as well, you might want to flee immediately, for this is unacceptable.
I once went out on a date, which I determined not quick enough, that I should not have gone out on. I had too recently broken up with a woman with whom I was still in love, yes, she dumped me (I know, you are aghast!). My date sat across from me as I talked about nothing but my ex. I give her credit for listening to me as long as she did. At some point, even I figured it out and I apologized to her. I acknowledged that I was not ready to be dating and was truly sorry I had put her through it. She was delightfully understanding and I still think of her as a charming and tolerant woman. However, I have not spoken to her since, and likely never will. I occasionally wonder what might have happened is my timing had been better.
Telling someone about an ex, in terms of yourself, to an extent is fine, but when you start comparing your new potential partner to them, that may cross a line. I say may, because if all you do is say how bad your ex is compared to your new man or woman, that can be okay, for a while, but even then, it can become a droning and make someone think "how long before they start talking about me this way?" Contempt, in this case, can breed caution.
Gentleman, take note, life did not start the day you started dating her, she has a very important history and it included someone else. By the way, if you are over the age of about 25, so does yours. A man can listen carefully to a woman and learn what to do and what not to do. She dumped your predecessor and there was a reason for that. Learn from someone else's mistakes, treat the stories of the past as a learning experience and use carefully your tales of an ex as teaching moments to say, do this or don't do this. Trust me, our brains are taking notes...at least they should be.
Friday, June 10, 2016
NOW THIS IS HATE NO ONE SHOULD UNDERSTAND !!!
Recently, our local media has been full of the reports of a murder that was particularly heinous, atrocious and cruel. These three words are used in the law to justify sentencing a person to the death penalty, but they are absolutely accurate in describing this case. Let me note at the outset that I am not a proponent of the death penalty. My reasons are simple; I cannot abide by absolute punishments being inflicted by imperfect systems. Far too many men have been released from death rows in this country, not based on technicalities of the law, but on the grounds that they did not commit the crime for which they were sentenced. However, that is another post.
In the case to which I refer, the victim was the ex-wife of a man with whom he had a child. The child is two years old. The ex-husband rented a house, bought power tools, pool acid and Rubbermaid-type tubs. He then came from another state, under the guise of visitation with his daughter. He convinced the wife to come get the daughter late at night whereupon he killed her (apparently in the presence of the daughter). He then took the ex-wife's body to a remote location, where he cut her up into sections with the power tools, put them in the bin(s), poured acid in the bins and then buried them. Oh, and just to try to make sure she couldn't be identified, he had cut off her fingers with a pair of pruning pliers and pulled her teeth out with a pair of pliers. He may have thrown these parts into a canal where there are an abundance of alligators.
I was aghast, as would be any normal or even moderately abnormal person. Viewed from a purely technical standpoint, it was actually well-planned, but like most criminals, the idiot talked to the police; talked himself into getting arrested and charged, so the crime will not go unpunished, whether it will be punished to the extent it should be is yet another question. Suffice it to say, he probably would have gotten away with it had he kept his mouth shut!!
On an emotional level, beyond being appalled, I also ask, "How can someone hate someone so much that they would do that to another person....Let alone the mother of their child?!?" I am not sure I could ever understand this. About the only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if it would be proved she was alive during the beginning parts of this. That goes beyond even my considerably high tolerance for violence, pain and suffering.
I cannot even begin to imagine what this woman could have done to this guy that would justify this, even is his obviously warped mind. I am stuck explaining to myself what I tell people everyday; I am trying to figure out a rational explanation for irrational actions and behavior. Unfortunately, that is the best I can do, because I cannot understand it or even wrap my head around the concept. Does that make me ignorant? Lacking empathy? It may, but I am not sure I ever want to be able to understand how this guy could do what he did. If I did, I would be very worried about myself It is said that the police have to be able to think like a criminal to solve the crimes they commit. If that is true, it is no wonder the police can get pretty odd after a while. Anyone that can, in any way, understand these actions, has to be a little (a lot?) off center. I am pretty "off center" myself, and I have not a clue. I just shake my head and sigh.
In the case to which I refer, the victim was the ex-wife of a man with whom he had a child. The child is two years old. The ex-husband rented a house, bought power tools, pool acid and Rubbermaid-type tubs. He then came from another state, under the guise of visitation with his daughter. He convinced the wife to come get the daughter late at night whereupon he killed her (apparently in the presence of the daughter). He then took the ex-wife's body to a remote location, where he cut her up into sections with the power tools, put them in the bin(s), poured acid in the bins and then buried them. Oh, and just to try to make sure she couldn't be identified, he had cut off her fingers with a pair of pruning pliers and pulled her teeth out with a pair of pliers. He may have thrown these parts into a canal where there are an abundance of alligators.
I was aghast, as would be any normal or even moderately abnormal person. Viewed from a purely technical standpoint, it was actually well-planned, but like most criminals, the idiot talked to the police; talked himself into getting arrested and charged, so the crime will not go unpunished, whether it will be punished to the extent it should be is yet another question. Suffice it to say, he probably would have gotten away with it had he kept his mouth shut!!
On an emotional level, beyond being appalled, I also ask, "How can someone hate someone so much that they would do that to another person....Let alone the mother of their child?!?" I am not sure I could ever understand this. About the only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if it would be proved she was alive during the beginning parts of this. That goes beyond even my considerably high tolerance for violence, pain and suffering.
I cannot even begin to imagine what this woman could have done to this guy that would justify this, even is his obviously warped mind. I am stuck explaining to myself what I tell people everyday; I am trying to figure out a rational explanation for irrational actions and behavior. Unfortunately, that is the best I can do, because I cannot understand it or even wrap my head around the concept. Does that make me ignorant? Lacking empathy? It may, but I am not sure I ever want to be able to understand how this guy could do what he did. If I did, I would be very worried about myself It is said that the police have to be able to think like a criminal to solve the crimes they commit. If that is true, it is no wonder the police can get pretty odd after a while. Anyone that can, in any way, understand these actions, has to be a little (a lot?) off center. I am pretty "off center" myself, and I have not a clue. I just shake my head and sigh.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
The User Date
As I wrote in a recent post, I am back into the dating world and using the Standard Internet Dating Protocol (SIDP) to meet women. I had a kind of horrific experience that I need to share. I share because I need the cathartic release of telling someone and most of my friends just don't want to hear it...LOL So, I burden the greater world.
I recently discovered there is a slightly different mechanism of expressing disinterest in a man, one I find more heinous than the disappearance I described previously. Warning: there is considerable bitterness here on my part. This one has been around for probably a hundred years, but is still practiced. I had thought it reserved for the obviously wealthy and married men fooling around on their wives. I was wrong. In this dating scenario you meet a woman you like that you think likes you. You think you have a lot in common with her and you ask her to dinner. Since you are trying to impress her, you take her to a nice place (read: expensive). The dinner goes downhill from the moment you get to into the car to go to the restaurant. The restaurant is either not to her liking, in spite of the fact that you asked her for her preference, and she offers no alternatives. Clearly, she made you guess and you either guessed wrong, or she is setting things up for failure. She orders the most expensive things on the menu, from drinks to desserts, from the moment you get there, and just to make sure she establishes herself as queen bitch, she complains about her meal and sends it back...twice!
The conversation during the entire evening is all about her, more her and her needs, then turns to lifestyle needs which rival anything portrayed on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Now, I have already figured out I need to get away from this woman, quickly. The frat boy in me wants to excuse myself, pay the check, tell the hostess to call her a cab when she is done, and flee like the wind, but the gentleman in me, and I am always a gentleman, at least publicly, stays, finishes dinner and takes her home. Like a gentleman should, I start to get out of the car to open her car door, but I am stopped when she says, "I don't think we have enough in common to go forward." She gets out and flees herself. I go home cursing her the whole trip. Just to make sure I got the message, she texts me to tell me that we have nothing in common. The kicker is, she gets pissed and goes on a demeaning and condescending text rant when I reply simply, "I agree." Again, how dare I...LOL
Ladies, this is what you pay a certain price for in terms of your interactions with men. We have these experiences and we learn from them. Like me, some of us, at least for a while, over-generalize from them and women that are as appalled by this behavior as I, end up being treated as if they would do this. I know that most would not, but, as is said, once burned, twice shy.
I am still partially burned from the experience, and my writing about it is my form of catharsis. I am just worried that it taints my worldview of women and dating. The truth be told, I am actually considering getting a tattoo that will be a warning to women I am with. The tattoo, placed on my chest, right over my heart, will be of a stylized heart wrapped in barbed wire. I think it can work two ways, first as a warning to me to be much more careful before giving my heart to another. The second is as a warning to a potential partner, it will be tough to get to my heart, but once inside, you are protected. We shall see....
I recently discovered there is a slightly different mechanism of expressing disinterest in a man, one I find more heinous than the disappearance I described previously. Warning: there is considerable bitterness here on my part. This one has been around for probably a hundred years, but is still practiced. I had thought it reserved for the obviously wealthy and married men fooling around on their wives. I was wrong. In this dating scenario you meet a woman you like that you think likes you. You think you have a lot in common with her and you ask her to dinner. Since you are trying to impress her, you take her to a nice place (read: expensive). The dinner goes downhill from the moment you get to into the car to go to the restaurant. The restaurant is either not to her liking, in spite of the fact that you asked her for her preference, and she offers no alternatives. Clearly, she made you guess and you either guessed wrong, or she is setting things up for failure. She orders the most expensive things on the menu, from drinks to desserts, from the moment you get there, and just to make sure she establishes herself as queen bitch, she complains about her meal and sends it back...twice!
The conversation during the entire evening is all about her, more her and her needs, then turns to lifestyle needs which rival anything portrayed on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Now, I have already figured out I need to get away from this woman, quickly. The frat boy in me wants to excuse myself, pay the check, tell the hostess to call her a cab when she is done, and flee like the wind, but the gentleman in me, and I am always a gentleman, at least publicly, stays, finishes dinner and takes her home. Like a gentleman should, I start to get out of the car to open her car door, but I am stopped when she says, "I don't think we have enough in common to go forward." She gets out and flees herself. I go home cursing her the whole trip. Just to make sure I got the message, she texts me to tell me that we have nothing in common. The kicker is, she gets pissed and goes on a demeaning and condescending text rant when I reply simply, "I agree." Again, how dare I...LOL
Ladies, this is what you pay a certain price for in terms of your interactions with men. We have these experiences and we learn from them. Like me, some of us, at least for a while, over-generalize from them and women that are as appalled by this behavior as I, end up being treated as if they would do this. I know that most would not, but, as is said, once burned, twice shy.
I am still partially burned from the experience, and my writing about it is my form of catharsis. I am just worried that it taints my worldview of women and dating. The truth be told, I am actually considering getting a tattoo that will be a warning to women I am with. The tattoo, placed on my chest, right over my heart, will be of a stylized heart wrapped in barbed wire. I think it can work two ways, first as a warning to me to be much more careful before giving my heart to another. The second is as a warning to a potential partner, it will be tough to get to my heart, but once inside, you are protected. We shall see....
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Timing is Everything, Especially in Love!
If life has taught me anything it is that relationships are tough. They are work. I used to believe that a good relationship should be effortless. I am ashamed at being so nieve. Relationships are hard, some harder than others.
I used to think that when you found the right person, everything would fall into place and that love would result in an instant ability to write poetry and love songs. Inspiration would reign supreme. As one reches the end of the fourth quarter of the football game of life, it is really sad to be disabused of that silly notion. I suspect that my romantic notions lead me down the road to disappointment and heartbreak more often than not. It is sad.
Is there a moment in a relationship that you suddenly figure out you are in love? Conversely, is there a moment you figure out it is just not going to work; or is it a slow process that drones on until it becomes a self-evident truth? My problem has been that I assumed (yes, I have seen it diagrammed, thank you) that there is a moment, a flash of brilliant recognition, the proverbial light bulb going on, in which you figure out these things.
My experience in life, thus far, has taught me that you figure out what will not work a whole lot quicker than whether you are in love. I have been in love before and because I was so busy trying to be certain, I did not tell the one I loved. As a result, I lost the chance to explore whether or not it was love and whether it was mutual. I wanted to be certain and there is no such thig as certainty in matters of the heart. Love requires risk. It requires a leap of faith, but most of all, it requires a willingness to open up your heart to the risk of being broken, often, yet again. Take a look at my previous post on the comparison of broken hearts and heart attacks, it explains a lot on this issue, I think.
Sometimes, your heart can actually be too open. That sounds cynical, but take the example of the break up of a relationship. A man or women can be so raw from that bad experience that the first person that pays attention to them can seem to be The One. We even have a name for it, it is that common; we call it the "rebound relationship." I have had mine and I have been the rebound guy a couple of times. It can be painful for both parties, but, while it should be considered carefully, avoidance of the rebound relationship should not be so feared that it emotionally immobilizes us.
In that post break up period, we need to be careful and maybe a little cautious, but not scared stiff. It is all part of the healing process and sometimes we all need an emotional Band Aid for our broken heart, but remember you are dealing with another person's emotions and people should not be discarded like used Band Aids. People need to have the opportunity to give informed consent. Sure you take the risk that they say, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, you and they would figure it out later on down the road anyway. Then there is more emotional investment and more potential pain and anguish, and a lot more hurt feelings.
So my advice...Don't be afraid to fall in love again, and when you do, or even if you only think you might be, tell them. There is nothing wrong with telling someone, "I think I may be falling in love with you." Then you can discuss it. If it is too much too soon, they'll tell you, or they should tell you, and then you can decide what to do. I will tell you though, when someone opens themself up enough to tell you they love you, understand that it is not the time to run away. It is the time to understand the greatness of the gift they offer and consider carefully. You have someone offering you their heart. It is not so much a responsibility as it is a gift. If you accept it, good for you! If you just don't feel that way, that's fine, just don't throw that gift down to the ground and step on it. Take a chance and carefully consider whether, knowing how they feel, you might come to love them once you know how they feel about you; not out of pity, gratitude, reciprocity or obligation, but out of the sense that you are free to love them, knowing already that they love you.
To all you poet and songwriter wannabe's (my apologies to the legitimate poets adn songwriters among my readers) who are inspired to tell your Romeo or Juliet how you feel, remember; better poets like Shakesspeare have written sonnets to love. Songriters from Frank Sinatra to The Beatles to the Goo Dolls, have written love songs the likes of which make hearts beat faster and sighs emanate from the lips of lovers. Read them to the object of your affection, I assure you that someone else's words, spoken from your lips, or even just written in your handwriting will be just as acceptable as anything you write that doesn' start out "Roses are red..."
To all of you...Love, Life and Happiness, and all the best to you, always!
I used to think that when you found the right person, everything would fall into place and that love would result in an instant ability to write poetry and love songs. Inspiration would reign supreme. As one reches the end of the fourth quarter of the football game of life, it is really sad to be disabused of that silly notion. I suspect that my romantic notions lead me down the road to disappointment and heartbreak more often than not. It is sad.
Is there a moment in a relationship that you suddenly figure out you are in love? Conversely, is there a moment you figure out it is just not going to work; or is it a slow process that drones on until it becomes a self-evident truth? My problem has been that I assumed (yes, I have seen it diagrammed, thank you) that there is a moment, a flash of brilliant recognition, the proverbial light bulb going on, in which you figure out these things.
My experience in life, thus far, has taught me that you figure out what will not work a whole lot quicker than whether you are in love. I have been in love before and because I was so busy trying to be certain, I did not tell the one I loved. As a result, I lost the chance to explore whether or not it was love and whether it was mutual. I wanted to be certain and there is no such thig as certainty in matters of the heart. Love requires risk. It requires a leap of faith, but most of all, it requires a willingness to open up your heart to the risk of being broken, often, yet again. Take a look at my previous post on the comparison of broken hearts and heart attacks, it explains a lot on this issue, I think.
Sometimes, your heart can actually be too open. That sounds cynical, but take the example of the break up of a relationship. A man or women can be so raw from that bad experience that the first person that pays attention to them can seem to be The One. We even have a name for it, it is that common; we call it the "rebound relationship." I have had mine and I have been the rebound guy a couple of times. It can be painful for both parties, but, while it should be considered carefully, avoidance of the rebound relationship should not be so feared that it emotionally immobilizes us.
In that post break up period, we need to be careful and maybe a little cautious, but not scared stiff. It is all part of the healing process and sometimes we all need an emotional Band Aid for our broken heart, but remember you are dealing with another person's emotions and people should not be discarded like used Band Aids. People need to have the opportunity to give informed consent. Sure you take the risk that they say, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, you and they would figure it out later on down the road anyway. Then there is more emotional investment and more potential pain and anguish, and a lot more hurt feelings.
So my advice...Don't be afraid to fall in love again, and when you do, or even if you only think you might be, tell them. There is nothing wrong with telling someone, "I think I may be falling in love with you." Then you can discuss it. If it is too much too soon, they'll tell you, or they should tell you, and then you can decide what to do. I will tell you though, when someone opens themself up enough to tell you they love you, understand that it is not the time to run away. It is the time to understand the greatness of the gift they offer and consider carefully. You have someone offering you their heart. It is not so much a responsibility as it is a gift. If you accept it, good for you! If you just don't feel that way, that's fine, just don't throw that gift down to the ground and step on it. Take a chance and carefully consider whether, knowing how they feel, you might come to love them once you know how they feel about you; not out of pity, gratitude, reciprocity or obligation, but out of the sense that you are free to love them, knowing already that they love you.
To all you poet and songwriter wannabe's (my apologies to the legitimate poets adn songwriters among my readers) who are inspired to tell your Romeo or Juliet how you feel, remember; better poets like Shakesspeare have written sonnets to love. Songriters from Frank Sinatra to The Beatles to the Goo Dolls, have written love songs the likes of which make hearts beat faster and sighs emanate from the lips of lovers. Read them to the object of your affection, I assure you that someone else's words, spoken from your lips, or even just written in your handwriting will be just as acceptable as anything you write that doesn' start out "Roses are red..."
To all of you...Love, Life and Happiness, and all the best to you, always!
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
COWARDICE AND BREAKING UP BY DISAPPEARING....
Writing comes from inspiration and I am coming to believe that inspiration
comes only from pain, possibly also suffering, anguish, fear and occasionally
loathing. Until recently, I have not had any of those feelings and, thus,
have not been moved to write. There has been no inspiration. Ah, but that
all changed not so long ago.
Several months ago, I met a younger woman through, of all places, the Internet (who'da thunk?). I will not go into the details of the site or anything. Suffice it to say, I was seeking a woman that had holes in her head that fit the bumps in mine. In this case, at least initially, they absolutely did, but as time passed, things began to change, and not for the better.
I noticed that we would get together and she would ask questions about why I chose this restaurant or this hotel or whatever. What became clear is that she was asking because my choices were not up to her expectations and/or standards. In plain English, they were not expensive enough for her tastes. The cynic in me now recognizes that she wanted only the best possible "stuff" whenever someone else was paying for it. Quite frankly, near the end, and I did not see the end coming, I was going broke paying for her Champagne tastes. I suspect she recognized this and decided that since I was not Daddy Warbucks that I was no longer suitable.
In my defense, I am not a cheapskate, but a relationship has to be more than expensive dinners, all the time and meetings in expensive hotels, all the time. We spent one hour at her condo, once, and no time at my house ever, over a period of about 5 months. This is just not normal. Spending several hours in a hotel, screwing like bunny rabbits was fine, but coming to my house was "out of her comfort zone." I bought cute little gifts, not expensive, but, in my opinion cute and romantic as reminders of the time we spent together. Not that I would ever expect their return, but she made sure she got a much anticipated gift that I had told her I had bought her before she disappeared. In fact she got it the last time we were together. In my world, we have a name for women that do this...LOL
When she decided to jettison me, and I use the term jettison deliberately, she did so by simply and totally cutting off contact with me. There was no conversation, no explanation, not a word. Suddenly, I was cut-off. My calls went unanswered, my texts went unanswered and after that there was not another word spoken or written between us. Well, I lie, there was one text message exchanged. I was becoming worried at the fact that I had not heard from her after about three days, which, up to that point, was unusual. In a text message I made her aware of my concern and it was pretty clear I was going to show up on her doorstep just to make sure she was alive, not hospitalized, etc. She responded with a text that she was having "major issues" with her daughter and this is the reason she went silent. Of course I now know this to have been a lie just to make sure that I would not show up and she would not have to speak with me. I can be a little thick sometimes, but I got this message loud and clear. I have not heard from her, nor attempted to contact her again.
While it sounds like I am not "over" her that is really not the case. I can take rejection pretty well. Like most people, I have been doing it all my life. What I do not understand, and what really bugs me, is how a person can treat another person in such an abominable fashion. Just disappearing is just, well, for lack of a better word, rude. It is also, in my-not-so-humble opinion, cruel, heartless and mean-spirited. I can deal with the breakup of a relationship and have in the past. While I appreciate an explanation, accurate, inaccurate, even a lie, it is not necessary, but some sort of goodbye, even a dismissal as simple as "it's not working out for me," is fine.
Just falling off the face of the Earth is, well, cowardly, and I find cowardice one of the most vile character traits in a person. Fear is a reaction, and an understandable one in many cases, but cowardice is a conscious decision to act as a, well, coward. This, in my world view is completely unacceptable. This is probably the best reason why I am really over her, because I could never be with a coward. I do look back on my life and think about bad things I have done and wonder if this might be some kind of Karmic payback. I am not perfect and although it is probably not huge, I am sure I have a Karma Debt (as I call it) to pay back.
The breakup of any relationship is difficult. I have been divorced, I know. It can be painful and it is emotional, but as human beings, we owe it to our partners, even our temporary partners, at absolute minimum, a notice that "it is over." I am not talking about a full-on explanation, nor a discussion, nor, in particular, an argument. Do it on the phone even, then if the unwanted argument occurs, you can hang up. At least your ex-partner knows it's over. If you fear you are going to be the subject of stalking, I am not sure it is going to make any difference whether you give notice or not. I would have to say that if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, then the notice requirement is waived, and even then, the notice likely comes in the form of the police knocking on the door with the Restraining Order. In an older time it was Daddy or big brother with a shotgun, sometimes far more effective, actually, and it did not require multiple Court appearances.
It can be beneficial to tell someone why you are dumping them, but it is not required. If anything, consider that the person might engage in self-improvement and the next person they meet will be better off for your experience. You are paying it forward to the next person, and there will be a next person, but if you just disappear, there can be no improvement, self-assessment, nor will there be closure. If your goal is to deny your former partner any or all of these, it just makes you an asshole or a bitch…oh well….
Several months ago, I met a younger woman through, of all places, the Internet (who'da thunk?). I will not go into the details of the site or anything. Suffice it to say, I was seeking a woman that had holes in her head that fit the bumps in mine. In this case, at least initially, they absolutely did, but as time passed, things began to change, and not for the better.
I noticed that we would get together and she would ask questions about why I chose this restaurant or this hotel or whatever. What became clear is that she was asking because my choices were not up to her expectations and/or standards. In plain English, they were not expensive enough for her tastes. The cynic in me now recognizes that she wanted only the best possible "stuff" whenever someone else was paying for it. Quite frankly, near the end, and I did not see the end coming, I was going broke paying for her Champagne tastes. I suspect she recognized this and decided that since I was not Daddy Warbucks that I was no longer suitable.
In my defense, I am not a cheapskate, but a relationship has to be more than expensive dinners, all the time and meetings in expensive hotels, all the time. We spent one hour at her condo, once, and no time at my house ever, over a period of about 5 months. This is just not normal. Spending several hours in a hotel, screwing like bunny rabbits was fine, but coming to my house was "out of her comfort zone." I bought cute little gifts, not expensive, but, in my opinion cute and romantic as reminders of the time we spent together. Not that I would ever expect their return, but she made sure she got a much anticipated gift that I had told her I had bought her before she disappeared. In fact she got it the last time we were together. In my world, we have a name for women that do this...LOL
When she decided to jettison me, and I use the term jettison deliberately, she did so by simply and totally cutting off contact with me. There was no conversation, no explanation, not a word. Suddenly, I was cut-off. My calls went unanswered, my texts went unanswered and after that there was not another word spoken or written between us. Well, I lie, there was one text message exchanged. I was becoming worried at the fact that I had not heard from her after about three days, which, up to that point, was unusual. In a text message I made her aware of my concern and it was pretty clear I was going to show up on her doorstep just to make sure she was alive, not hospitalized, etc. She responded with a text that she was having "major issues" with her daughter and this is the reason she went silent. Of course I now know this to have been a lie just to make sure that I would not show up and she would not have to speak with me. I can be a little thick sometimes, but I got this message loud and clear. I have not heard from her, nor attempted to contact her again.
While it sounds like I am not "over" her that is really not the case. I can take rejection pretty well. Like most people, I have been doing it all my life. What I do not understand, and what really bugs me, is how a person can treat another person in such an abominable fashion. Just disappearing is just, well, for lack of a better word, rude. It is also, in my-not-so-humble opinion, cruel, heartless and mean-spirited. I can deal with the breakup of a relationship and have in the past. While I appreciate an explanation, accurate, inaccurate, even a lie, it is not necessary, but some sort of goodbye, even a dismissal as simple as "it's not working out for me," is fine.
Just falling off the face of the Earth is, well, cowardly, and I find cowardice one of the most vile character traits in a person. Fear is a reaction, and an understandable one in many cases, but cowardice is a conscious decision to act as a, well, coward. This, in my world view is completely unacceptable. This is probably the best reason why I am really over her, because I could never be with a coward. I do look back on my life and think about bad things I have done and wonder if this might be some kind of Karmic payback. I am not perfect and although it is probably not huge, I am sure I have a Karma Debt (as I call it) to pay back.
The breakup of any relationship is difficult. I have been divorced, I know. It can be painful and it is emotional, but as human beings, we owe it to our partners, even our temporary partners, at absolute minimum, a notice that "it is over." I am not talking about a full-on explanation, nor a discussion, nor, in particular, an argument. Do it on the phone even, then if the unwanted argument occurs, you can hang up. At least your ex-partner knows it's over. If you fear you are going to be the subject of stalking, I am not sure it is going to make any difference whether you give notice or not. I would have to say that if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, then the notice requirement is waived, and even then, the notice likely comes in the form of the police knocking on the door with the Restraining Order. In an older time it was Daddy or big brother with a shotgun, sometimes far more effective, actually, and it did not require multiple Court appearances.
It can be beneficial to tell someone why you are dumping them, but it is not required. If anything, consider that the person might engage in self-improvement and the next person they meet will be better off for your experience. You are paying it forward to the next person, and there will be a next person, but if you just disappear, there can be no improvement, self-assessment, nor will there be closure. If your goal is to deny your former partner any or all of these, it just makes you an asshole or a bitch…oh well….
I'M BAAAACK !!!
My Dear Followers...All 6 or 7 of you?
I have reappeared onto the blogosphere! I am back on the radar, which begs the question, why was I gone, absent and otherwise not here? Well, in no order of importance, I was a bit depressed by the lack of readership. It is hard to keep shouting, or in this case, speaking softly, and not be heard. Eventually you quit. I plead guilty, I quit, but I hope to turn it into a hiatus, a temporary absence.
Another reason is that I was in a relationship and put forth my efforts to make that relationship work. I can now tell you that I was apparently not successful in making it work because it ended. There was some bitterness on both sides and, since she will not be making a guest appearance here, you are probably going to get only my side of things. Oh well, she can write her own blog....LOL
Another reason is that I started another blog. It is a tumblr blog and is, to be honest, pornographic pictures. These are "unique" interests I have, and are of a sensual, erotic sexual nature. I shall not post the URL here, but if you ask, I will happily share it. Allow me to state that this blog is almost exclusively pornographic pictures and some of the pictures push the edges of the envelope of taste, assuming that there is such a thing as tasteful porn (more comments on that later). Allow me to disclaim.... There are things I find very interesting, almost in an academic fashion, but I would never consider doing them, ever. By way of an example, when I was young, in the military and in Texas, I went on the mandatory trip to Tijuana, where I got liquored up and, with my buddies, went to one of the rights of passage one goes through in that setting, going to the show in which a girl has sex with a donkey on stage.
In the context of my youth, it was cool, icky, but cool. In the bright light of age and maturity, it was disgusting, cruel and awful. I would not have then, nor now, been involved with something like this, but I did watch and at the time it was "interesting." How many of us did things in our youth that we look back upon and say to ourselves, "What was I thinking?" This is one of my moments.
I have "interests" mostly as regards Dominance and submission, that I have explored and continue to explore, in the context of a relationship. When appropriate, I may share aspects of the adventure and exploration of that interest.
In the coming months, I plan to share with you my version of the realities of being middle-aged and single, once again. I am actually on the downhill side to being 60 and finding myself "dating" is, to say the least, and unexpected situation. I am pretty sure it is going to be interesting....LOL
So, I am back to being the frustrated writer I am and seeing if I can get my writing "fix" once again, here. Sit down, read carefully, and hang on...I suspect you may be in for a helluva ride....
I have reappeared onto the blogosphere! I am back on the radar, which begs the question, why was I gone, absent and otherwise not here? Well, in no order of importance, I was a bit depressed by the lack of readership. It is hard to keep shouting, or in this case, speaking softly, and not be heard. Eventually you quit. I plead guilty, I quit, but I hope to turn it into a hiatus, a temporary absence.
Another reason is that I was in a relationship and put forth my efforts to make that relationship work. I can now tell you that I was apparently not successful in making it work because it ended. There was some bitterness on both sides and, since she will not be making a guest appearance here, you are probably going to get only my side of things. Oh well, she can write her own blog....LOL
Another reason is that I started another blog. It is a tumblr blog and is, to be honest, pornographic pictures. These are "unique" interests I have, and are of a sensual, erotic sexual nature. I shall not post the URL here, but if you ask, I will happily share it. Allow me to state that this blog is almost exclusively pornographic pictures and some of the pictures push the edges of the envelope of taste, assuming that there is such a thing as tasteful porn (more comments on that later). Allow me to disclaim.... There are things I find very interesting, almost in an academic fashion, but I would never consider doing them, ever. By way of an example, when I was young, in the military and in Texas, I went on the mandatory trip to Tijuana, where I got liquored up and, with my buddies, went to one of the rights of passage one goes through in that setting, going to the show in which a girl has sex with a donkey on stage.
In the context of my youth, it was cool, icky, but cool. In the bright light of age and maturity, it was disgusting, cruel and awful. I would not have then, nor now, been involved with something like this, but I did watch and at the time it was "interesting." How many of us did things in our youth that we look back upon and say to ourselves, "What was I thinking?" This is one of my moments.
I have "interests" mostly as regards Dominance and submission, that I have explored and continue to explore, in the context of a relationship. When appropriate, I may share aspects of the adventure and exploration of that interest.
In the coming months, I plan to share with you my version of the realities of being middle-aged and single, once again. I am actually on the downhill side to being 60 and finding myself "dating" is, to say the least, and unexpected situation. I am pretty sure it is going to be interesting....LOL
So, I am back to being the frustrated writer I am and seeing if I can get my writing "fix" once again, here. Sit down, read carefully, and hang on...I suspect you may be in for a helluva ride....
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